Anything about JUDAISM
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new_yorker_kid Posted - 19 February 2006 14:25
please s/o tell me u agree w/ me that it's unfair that ppl refuse to date children of divorse. what really kills me is that this zeros in on the girls that are children of divorse that are dating. we know a really nice family. the woman is remarried. has five kids from a prior marriage, and 1 child from the current marriage. the 2 oldest from the prior marriage are married, but only b/c the oldest married s/o who's also a child of divorse and the second oldest is married only b/c she married her best friend's brother. the other 3 are having a tough time finding their beshert b/c their parents are divorsed. i think it's an outrage that ppl refuse to date children of divorse. do u ppl agree w/ me?

NYK

realme Posted - 21 February 2006 23:26
i think people who are dating have to look past that mature and act mature. i hear all thesestupid questions that people are asking like what color shobbos table does the girl use, what size is she... all these irrelevant things.... i dont think that since someone comes from a broken up home that he's less compatible as me. i like seeing the positive in things and think that since he went through something like this he'll be more careful and sensitive to certain matters. why is it that important things are being pushed away and irrelevant things being expounded and asked? i do not understand this whole "dating" system in our religous society... most shadchanim lie and tell things that would only make you interested in the other person. however why waste your time if you know its not what you want. i know someone that kept pushing my friend into going out.... the shadchan was like your skinny and hes skinny so whats the problem. there is becasue when u arent attracted to the other person theres no connection or attraction. what makes a person think u can spend the rest of your life with someone you dont love/like?
Mikewind Dale Posted - 21 February 2006 23:26
This is sick that anyone would refuse to marry someone simply because they are divorced or the child of divorce. But the way I see it, anyone so vile as to do this, isn't worth marrying.
Nicole Posted - 14 March 2006 21:08
As a married girl who grew up in a divorced home, I can attest that what you are saying is true. People, especially in the frummer circles don't like to get involved with divorces.
As someone who grew up in a divorced home with a pretty stable mother who raised us to the absolute best of her ability, I can also attest that no divorce, no matter how civil, damages the children considerably.B'h I am very happily married. On the other hand, my sister just entered shidduchim, and my parents. (mom and stepfather) are worried that it will be difficult.
They are not worrying for nothing since the difficulty of girls from divorced homes finding shidduchim is quite common. I do know, however, that my in laws were NOT interested in having my husband date girls of divorced parents. But Hashem arranged it as such, and here we are. Its not an easy thing for girls of divorced homes, but when it comes down to it, G-d runs the world. You say that the only reason Girl #1 is married is bec of xyz, and the the reason girl #2 is married is because of zxy. But really, you'll also see, be'h, that the rest of them will also get married through similar acts of G-d.
There's nothing He can't do.
lifnay mi Posted - 13 August 2007 16:03
why is this "vile" and so horrible?!?!

If a person is from a very stable and strong home, and they could marry into the same, it makes everything much easier- the wedding, family simchos, anytime you have to see the in-laws just gets harder and more complicated.
No, it's not the child's fault, but you can't say that there's no difference in a child from a divorced home, "so who cares?" it does matter.

1983 Posted - 14 August 2007 2:20
That logic is flawed. There is no reason to assume the worst when a married couple could have much less stable kids than a divorced couple. A husband and wife who "stay together for their kids" but yell and scream at each other all day long is a much worse situation for a kid to live with. If you have that side of the picture in mind, maybe you should davka look for divorced/ remarried people. (Only kidding) But really, when parents divorce and remarry, they are that much wiser and choose someone who they really can live with happilly. Baruch Hashem I come from a happy married family, but I have seen divorcees make such incredible spouses and parents.
ner daluk Posted - 14 August 2007 12:46
Lifnay, I def. agree with 1983 just because s/o comes from a divorced family doesn't mean they themselves or the family is not stable and it works the otherway too. If anything divorcees work a lot harder to make sure their children are stable and normal.
It sounds like you're coming from a family like my own, very strong supportive familyish family. Coming from such a place (at least this is what I used to think) It's hard to understand that s/o not coming from such a family could also be very family oriented in the same kind of way. But you're forgetting that they're 'leaving' their family like you're 'leaving' yours. You are starting your own home doing things your own ways, take the good from both homes and building a new one. Both of your abilities to do that comes from within you and what you've seen and heard personally not neccesarily ONLY from your own homes. Just because their families are not like yours doesn't mean they haven't seen your type of families and maybe even wanted a family like that when they start their own. As much as ones own home effects them, so many other things do too. Nicole mentioned that no matter how smooth the divorce the children are affected. I have no doubt this is true but that doesn't mean that they won't be good parents and spouses.

Just to add, you're right kids having 2 parents and 4 grandparents complicates things less but that does not mean that things won't be somewhat complicated. You mentioned: weddings, family simchos, and anytime you have to see the in-laws you could be right the more sides the more complicated but the majority of your life is not spent doing these things. IY"h there will be many simchos in the family but life is not just family get togethers. Life has it's daily ups and downs whether your parents and in-laws are divorced or married and you have to go through all of those with your spouse. Therefore you want a spouse that cares for you s/o you can grow with through the good and bad and how they do that will depend on THEM, not if they grew up with both parents in one house or not.
Sorry that this was so long, I don't know if you're even in shidduchim yet and I'm not trying to knock what's important to you I'm just trying to point out that divorcees children are really normal people like you and me.
If this is still an issue for you, you're in good company (unfortunately)!


Kol zman shehaner dolek efshar od l'taken!

music613 Posted - 29 August 2007 20:10
I think that the reason that ppl don't want to go out with people that have divorced parents is b/c they are more acostomed to fighting in the house and maight not really know what a house that has shalom is like so it is hard for them to bring that shalom into their home. I am not validating it or saying it is ok, but i think that is the reasoning.
Nicole Posted - 30 August 2007 14:48
Oy- this is painful. I won't deny that I'm a different person bec of my growing up in a divorced home- it has definitely affected my personality in many ways, and b'h my husband (from a fantastic house of shalom) knows how to handle it. BUT part of the way that I'm different from others is that I came into our marriage VERY MOTIVATED to make it work. There just isn't any other option. I want my children to grow up in a home where the parents get along beautifully, not just tolerate each other. I think watching the lack of shalom bayis as a child only made me more determined to do better myself. B'h.
wannabe Posted - 23 March 2008 19:14
okay. can i comment here? i think the bottom line is that u hafta check out the person. the fact that they come from what seems to be a stable home does NOT mean they have the tools to create shalom bayis & simcha in their own home. and the fact that they come from a divorced home doesnt mean they dont have those tools. does it affect the children? it absolutely does. but the effect is always going to depend on the character of the person- and the truth is that it might be positive. very often- like nicole said- its that they're even more dedicated to shalom bayis & even more have the mindset that little things don't matter. and ok, sometimes u get really argumentative angry people from divorced homes. stereotypes dont come from nowhere. but u know what everyone? u also get those angry argumentative people from 'stable' homes. so in the end knowing the family status doesnt mean u know the person's status. u check out the persons middos & attitude towards life & hashkafos. & very often u'll find that they're the polar opposite of the homes they grew up in...

lifnay- i know two girls who recently got married, one from a totally stable warm home and one from a divorced home. the first girl was saying from very early on that shalom bayis takes a lot of work. and she has a great husband & they're both good communicators & their marriage will be good. but the second girl has just been saying that marriage is amazing and her husband is so good to her and everythings so good. in other words, its actually easier for the second one, because she knows intuitively that there are so many things it's not worth it to make a big deal over. u were probly talking about logistically easier but i kind of dont see why thats so important.

music- but the thing is that then they associate fighting with a lot of pain & not good stuff. and they hate it and really wanna stay far far away from it. and they recognize that most things are not worth even bringing up & that those things that are should be discussed in a calm peaceful way. while people who didnt live with the fighting might not have the same aversion... 1983 might have been joking about marrying only people from divorced homes, but i think it really can be an extra tool to make your own marriage go more smoothly. whatever. i'm also kinda joking, but there definitely shouldnt be this crazy prejudice against kids from divorced homes...

soundofsilence Posted - 25 March 2008 2:15
As a child of divorce who is just entering into shidduchim, can I just vent for a moment?

Firs of all, music613, I know you are not justifying that reason, but that is so ridiculous. Like wannabe said, a child of divorce might be used to fighting,but they associate it with only horrible things, and want more than anything to build a life away from that. Having seen a marriage collapse firsthand, I wll i'h enter marriage with a list of WHAT NOT to do. I think in so many ways I have a much healthier and more realistic understanding of marriage than others. A lot of my friends who are already married almost don't know what they're getting into. They have such an ideal picture of marriage, and they enter it like excited little kids. Children of divorce tend to be more serious about it. They know what can go wrong, and will work that much harder from the begining to see that it doesn't.

The shidduch world has proved to be really tough. When I turned down a guy who was soo NOT for me, the shadchan snidely said "well, its not like you can be that picky." What, like I have some contagious disease? That because something happend to my family (which had nothing to do with me), I must marry anyone who is kind enough to accept me!?!?!

And lastly, divorced does not = unstable. I love my family and my home, and I consider my life very stable thank you very much. We had to struggle a lot more to make it that way, but its a lot more stable than plenty of other people's.

wannabe Posted - 27 March 2008 20:11
soundofsilence- to the people you'd want to marry, it doesn't matter. really it doesn't. somewhere out there is an awesome open minded guy who you'll wanna marry just as much as he wants to marry u. & u better weed out the bad ones to find him! let us know about ur mazel tov when it happens, k?
BigBadBoruch Posted - 30 March 2008 19:31
2 all the bnei n bnos divorce,
I know of course,
U might not feel,
That the pain will completely heal,
Till u get married n suceed,
In raising ur own seed.
However keep in mind,
The past must b kept behind,
In order not 2 replay,
The events of yesterday.
sunny girl Posted - 02 December 2008 23:20
Thank You very much for all your posts. It brings a lot of chizzuk..especially for those of us that are in the situtation too.
torah tears Posted - 01 March 2009 21:17
My parents are divorced. I spoke to the Rebbetzin of my shul about this whole thing.. She said that for her own children divorce isn't what makes or breaks a good shiddach but rather if they went to therapy and worked through the divorce.
If anything, I feel that the divorce of my parents has taught me a tremendous amount and has made my yiras Hashem stronger. But I am sure not everyone will agree with my certain case, because like everything every case is different.
Also I feel like a guy who would accept her as is would be a much better guy that say "divorce... no thank you... next." without looking into anything else.
hocking613 Posted - 07 July 2009 17:42
my parents only stayed together for us children and until they worked it out, it was a crazy existance; i actually left home and am now only visiting before i move on. so now i have a black strike in shidduchim either way - "forget it; why doesn't she live at home" instead of "forget it; her parents are divorced."
my point is, everyone has his or her black strikes in shidduchim.
my friend once told me (she's a giyores) that she heard from a rebbetzin that in a way, those with the black stikes are luckier in shidduchim. For example; miss perfect has a choice between Avraham, Yitchak, Yaakov, Moshe, Aharon, Dovid, Beryl, and Shmeryl who all heard what a great girl she is and she needs to sift through all of them to find the right one. but then you have miss child of divorced, sick, baalei teshuva who has a lot of trouble because Avraham, Yitchak, Yaaakov, Moshe, Aharon, Shmeryl and Beryl all want nothing to do with her. But Dovid does, and after going out with him, she realizes, who needs the rest of them, he's the one! and marries him. She didn't have to do any sifting.
And everyone in my situation: keep your chin up! sometimes, your personal reputation precedes all those little details, and i'm getting suggestions, not within my community, where that wouldn't help anything, but from as far away as israel, because that's where people know me as the good stuff, not as a product of my family. hatzlacha rabba to everyone and may we hear besuros tovos on frumteens!

my chelek is my chelek; your chelek is your chelek; no one can take away anyone else's chelek. ezehu ashir hasameach bechelko.

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