Anything about JUDAISM
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japper86 Posted - 09 November 2005 15:30
does anybody have any advice for guys/girls that are dating right now? Ive been to shadchanim, and maybe ive just been the wrong ones, but they all gave me the impression that "yes, your'e single so we'll look out for you, but there are also hundreds of single girls older then you that we're also looking for" I feel like just a piece of paper, and that theyre not taking any 19 yr old girls so seriously since there are so many other older girls out there. they have so many girls who come to them that are asking for similiar types of guys, so ovbiously they wont be interested in me any more then the other girls that are coming to them. i know that everyone says family friends are the best, but the problem is that these "family friends" have people that theyre looking out for even more-their own daughters, neices, etc. im not even gonna begin going into the silent competition between girls and their friends. no one likes to admit it, but this whole thing is being treated like a contest. ive only been in this "parsha" for a few months, and i already feel very frustrated and burnt out. any advice on who are the best people to ask these days, and chizuk for people who are going through this in general? thanks alot
snelling Posted - 11 November 2005 15:43
the best thing is probably to go through shadchanim or friends that KNOW you, and will thus judge you not by your age, but by your middos and maturity. Shadchanim that dont know you might just see you as another young girl that gets 2nd priority.
realme Posted - 15 November 2005 17:45
I-just wanted to tell you that you have to wait patientyly. God has a plan and one day you'll meet the right one. Im your age and want to get married. I know how the shadchan thing works but it's not good for everyone. You have to act and look for yourself. How do you expect things to come for yourself? everything takes time and enery. Things come easy for others but we have to look. I think the whole sidduch sytem stinks. some pple go out for a couiple of dates, are pushed or dont even think abt the real resons why they get married. Then in a copule of years they see the person they are with is someone they hate. Some are lucky but who says its fair for thise who get hurt??? i was brought up all my life not talinking to guys and i feel now that anyguys taht comes my way i can work it out? is taht my fault? no! it's my school and the way i was brought up. I think that its onlt fair to expose your children and freinds to meet pple so when its time for dating they dont feel uncomfortable and dont make their wrong decision in life. I hope that at the right time he'll come for you and taht he should be the one destined and will love you all your life.
minhashamayim Posted - 15 November 2005 17:45
the very best option that you have right now is your Tefilla. money, looks and all those stuff may get a girl more dates, but dating more guys just gets you more confused, not any closer to finding your bashert. look presentable, act self confident, and daven, daven, daven.
all of the tiem spent worrying over how youll meet ur bashert cause you have no connections to anyone who knows guys.... could be better used davening and crying your heart out, not to your friends and parents, but to Hashem. bec. thats the best type of connection that you need
grafix Posted - 24 November 2005 20:12
in one word - daven.
neshama Posted - 24 November 2005 20:12
Japper-
You're doin the rt things. You are obligated to do as much hishtadlus as are within normal limits, which means going to shadchanim, making yourself known as much as u can, and thats it.
there really isnt any kind of magic, as magic can only be done at Hogwarts. :-)

The ONLY thing thats bound to work, without a doubt, is davening and working on making a proper connection with Hashem. After all, He's the ONLY shadchan in this world, so its kidai for Him to get to know you a bit.
Keep strong- and get even stronger.

neshama Posted - 24 November 2005 20:12
Japper-
You're doin the rt things. You are obligated to do as much hishtadlus as are within normal limits, which means going to shadchanim, making yourself known as much as u can, and thats it.
there really isnt any kind of magic, as magic can only be done at Hogwarts. :-)

The ONLY thing thats bound to work, without a doubt, is davening and working on making a proper connection with Hashem. After all, He's the ONLY shadchan in this world, so its kidai for Him to get to know you a bit.
Keep strong- and get even stronger.

HZ Posted - 24 November 2005 20:12
It may still be worthwhile to visit them, who knows? Also let them know what sets you apart. Probably easier said then done.
neshama Posted - 24 November 2005 20:12
I think my post got lost so here it is again.

Japper, I think you're doing everything you should be doing. Hishtadlus means trying your best to let people know who you are and that you're interested in getting married. You can't be expected to fly to the other end of the world to that either.
There's no magic to it. (And anyway, no magic can be done outside of Hogwarts). :-)

Probably the most important part of your hishtadlus should be davening and working on your relationship with Hashem. After all, He's the ONLY shadchan out there, so it's kidai to let Him get to know you.

japper86 Posted - 24 November 2005 20:12
realme- i definetaly hear what u said about growing up being exposed. i know alot of girls that never said a word to a boy in their life, and they get engaged to the first one they meet. its amazing, and b"h it didnt take them long, but honestly it reaallllly scares me. I know people who did this with unfortunetaly disastrous results. then again, i also know ppl who met 2 times (and no they are not chassidish) and have been married happily for many years.
i understand that right now the best thing is to pour my heart out to hashem. but there is a certain amount of hishtadlus that has to be done also, and its hard because everyone has a different opinion of what "doing enough" hishtadlus is
HZ Posted - 24 November 2005 20:12
realme, If you mean boy/girl relationships before they are ready for marriage, I don't see how that would be permissable or wise. One can know what are good qualities in a potential spouce without resorting to asuch activity.
unlively Posted - 24 November 2005 20:12
i know that it is ultimately up to Hashem but it sometimes seem like impossible. for instance, all my friends are going on shidduchim and i'm not. not many people know me and therefore they don't even consider me. even when i call shadchanim they don;t seem to care unless they personaly know you--that's just wrong.

minhashamayim Posted - 30 November 2005 18:32
im also just starting with Shidduchim- and its so hard b/c im really choosy- and i dont even have so many ppl. to be choosy about! and i havent gone to any shadchanim yet, im just waiting for.... i dunno- phone calls??? my parents and i dont know what to do, b/c im davening really hard, and looking good and growing in my Ruchnius, i have a life, and i am getting suggestions, but i feel that i should be doing some sort of other Hishtadlus- like goig to meet a shadchan- does that make sense?
fittinky Posted - 27 December 2005 3:35
i was actually wondering the saem thing i try i daven every day and say extra but i ownder is ther more i have to like otehr hishtadlos?
japper86 Posted - 29 December 2005 17:18
and its so tough cuz when things dont come up, im just thinking am i being to picky and is there anything specifically that i should be alittle more accepting of...then i think of those things that im willing to "give up" and realize that i cen never do that...certain things are just so important to me...but when months go by and nothing coming up, im seriously starting to think that maybe im just asking for too much..
realme Posted - 29 December 2005 17:18
To all the people who read my previous statement and didnt understand what i meant... I believe that when people look for their bashert they have to do their histadulus, pray for G-ds help and be serious. The "system" is right for not letting teenagers hang out with their opposite sex. Ever since i started high school; i saw many of my friends get tied up with the wrong people. They did crazy things and didnt think about their future. Nowadays it's known that when people go out they always asks about the other persons history... No one wants to marry someone who has a bad name and fooled around. Forgive me if I didn't make my message clear before.
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