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|Live&Love18||Posted - 22 September 2011 3:34
i dont know where to begin, i dont even know when this all started, i guess around the time my mom got sick, and i things went downhill from there.My m,om was diagnosed with cancer when i was in 8th grade (currently going into 12th) b"H she is now ok, when she was sick i didnt feel any emotional trauma, but i would get very physically ill and i was taken to many doctors to try to figure it out. Afterwards the real trauma started to settle in,actually effecting my thoughts and ability to function normally.seeing my school therapist wasnt enough and about 2 yrs ago i started seeing a frum therapist for trauma therapy, somewhere in the middle of this all i was diagnosed with depression, then later with an anxiety disorder and then witha personality disorder. I was very reluctant to go on meds, but finally last summer after returning from camp and realizing that i couldn't function on my own i decided to go to a psychiatrist and start meds (at this time i also had to switch from my therapist to a new psychologist). the first med she put me on was a disaster, i got all the nasty side effects and none of the benefits.so i went off then was prescribed a new med, i waited and waited for it to start working but it never did.instead i began cutting and feeling suicidal,its such a worthless feeling i can't explain it. i always said G-d is my best friend, because of that i never attempted suicide, i knew if He gave me these challenges who am i to say i can't handle them. after a while of being on those meds and going up to a very high dose i finally went off. recently i got into a fight with my psychologist, he was being very nasty and he constantly blamed me and mocked me that i dont want to get better, maybe some ppl are like that and its not my place to judge,but i want sooo badly to live a normal life. Worse than the depression the anxiety has been unbearable, i barely did any work in school last semester because everything made me anxious and i went through so many panic attacks.im sitting at the computer crying now because its the last night i hav to make up my work and my anxiety has taken over, i've been so overwhelmed this past week im barely productive.im crying because i've struggled so long,crying because no one understands, crying because i dont believe in myself and crying because i wonder what my future holds, i wish i could see it brighter but every day is so difficult. Even things that are so important to me dont motivate me anymore. i feel incredibly alone.im switching to another psychologist, but i've lost faith in them.Being someone so spiritual you would say just believe in Hashem He has a plan for you,sometimes even knowing that life still seems impossible.I just dont know what to do anymore, i cant handle this,everything i do or think about makes me anxious.im a prisoner to my mind fighting hard to break free. Thank you to those who read this, i know it's long and you've probably heard stories like this before,so thank you i really appreciate it.
I'd really like to hear back from whoever wants to write,you dont have to have the answer to show you care.
I'm sorry if this offends anyone or anyone has negative opinions on what i've said but please keep nasty comments to yourself, i can't take it right now, i've been hurt enough.
|pointof life||Posted - 27 September 2011 2:09
I can't relate to a lot of what you said, but I can tell you a couple of things:
1. Unfortunately, SOME therapists are awful and really should not be in that field of work. That does NOT mean that they all are.
2. It has been said that finding the right therapist is sort of like finding a shidduch. There are lots of good choices out there, but you need to find the one you "click" with. Hopefully you'll do so with your new therapist, but if not, remember that it really may have nothing to do with how good they are, if your personality doesn't work well with theirs.
3. It's really hard to open up to yet ANOTHER therapist, especially if you've had bad experiences. But you won't know if it will work if you don't open up at least a little. (I've seen quite a number of therapists; I FINALLY really connected with one and then she moved out of town.)
4. You are NOT your disorders. They may impact your life tremendously, but remember that you will get out of this -- and you will be a much greater and stronger person than you were previously.
5. Hashem loves you and is rooting for you EVERY step of the way!
|depressed4eva||Posted - 27 September 2011 2:09
WOW! all I can say is that you really struck a cord there. I can relate in so many ways; my own mom developing bipolar disorder had such emotional damage on me. I too went to therapists who were nasty and also developed some self destructive behavior.
I sure hope that you do find the right person, a proper therapist is like a shidduch; hard to find but when found can produce wonders. Seriously though, don't give up because you can do it. I believe that you WILL leave this situation with a lot more of lives experience and be able to help others in pain one day. (and I am sure you do now!)
Life sure is not easy; and sometimes one looks at themselves and have no clue why they are moving on. At that point though they have to look at the good that they have. Yes, there might be one thing that is going to be worth it to "hold on" for, but that will push you through.
Keep on pushing!
Thinking of you and hope you have a GOOD year!
|YupYup||Posted - 28 September 2011 2:56
I know what you're going through. Around 16 years ago, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and later diagnosed with depression. Someone who has not gone through it, can't imagine the gehenom. You described it 100% right -- life is a prison with an anxiety disorder. I can't say it better than you -- an anxiety disorder makes you a prisoner of your mind.
Thank G-d I have learned to cope with it. I saw an amazing psychiatrist who helped me with a combination of therapy (that he administered), coupled with the medication. The medication was critical and I am still on it around 15 years later. Yet, it controlled the symptoms and allowed me to live life without the *overpowering* fear of an anxiety disorder. B"H, although the fears have never gone away, I am married with a family, and hold down a job.
I'm crying for you because I know what you're going through. But I know from personal experience that you *can* lead a normal life. Please have your family find the best psychiatrist they can. Take the proper meds, and never forget to daven.
You write that "im crying because i've struggled so long,crying because no one understands, crying because i dont believe in myself and crying because i wonder what my future holds, i wish i could see it brighter but every day is so difficult... i feel incredibly alone." I know your struggle, I understand it. I believe in you, and know that your future can be bright, regardless of these terrifying obstacles. You are not alone; I'm with you -- a survivor still struggling with a devastating disorder. Yet life has gone on for me, and it can go on for you too. Yehi ratzon that He should send you a refuah shleima b'soch sh'ar cholei Yisroel.
|reJewvenated||Posted - 28 September 2011 2:56
So I was just browsing here, and came across your entry. Wow. You sound like such a fighter... I know this is not nessecarily what you need to hear right now, but I am so inspired by the way you're dealing with the immeasurable challenges you're facing. It just so happens that certain circumstances in my life let me really relate to some of what you're tackling here. I by far am not someone who has answers, but your plea moved me to tears. I wish so hard for your suffering to end (together with all of klal yiroel's)... best wishes for hatzlacha in the very near future. Be well
|sunset90||Posted - 28 September 2011 2:56
I feel for you but I have two points I want you to here that I think might help a little.
1. I have been trying out many therapists this past summer and when I found the right one she decided she was moving after the 5th session, therefor I tried out a bunch since then and I think I have finally fount the right one even though she is not Jewish.
2. I have been having issues with G-d, really intense questions and I was told to speak to a therapist but I am realizing by myself if you feel you are losing faith find something to do that will reconnect you, it can be little I am starting to write down 10 things that I feel G-d helped me with throughout the day it can be the most basic thing - breathing or even ice coffee, and will probably help you feel closer especially when you don't want to talk to G-d because you had enough. I also got a prayer through email that i have been saying in English everyday instead of actually opening my siddur and i feel my connection slowly reforming. Let me know if you want me to post the email for you.
Keep strong, you can do it as hard as things get, trust me I know I have been through a lot and am going through a lot right now. Even if you feel like you are at rock bottom and have no where to go we are here for you.
Good luck hope this helped
|Allison||Posted - 28 September 2011 2:56
omg i was liget about to cry from what i just read. hun i just want you to know that you are not ever ever ever alone! you make this world a better place and our wonderful G-d put YOU in this world for a tremendous and important reason. cuz every little thing Hashem does is only for the bestest of the very best that could be done! so quit moping and stand up tall on your feet and start moving! cuz you have soo much to accomplish here and you are worth more than you will ever know! i love you so much! and i feel so close to you cuz i feel the same way a lot of the times and i totally understand what youre going through! please wipe away those tears because you can do ANYTHING you want to! you just have to try and even if you fall that means u could ALWAYS pick yourself up and try again! never give up! i believe in you so much! you are one of Hashems special children and that's enough you need to know to know how important you are!!!!
|taon||Posted - 19 October 2011 4:16
The therapist was trying an old, dirty trick to make you listeen. DOn't believe it.
say something like meds are keeping you from doing well on schoolwork, or find articles on problems with those medications (no matter what, there will be such articles, i think, even for good medications)
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