Anything about JUDAISM
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dragonfly Posted - 31 August 2004 15:00
It happened again. Another fight. Again. The fights are never ending... my mom calls it a vicious cycle.... i call it pain that does not end.
Ok, here's what's happening. My parents are divorced and i live with my mom. I love her to death but sometimes it can get sooooooo hard. It's just the two of us, so my mom will often let out her frustration and loneliness on me. People keep telling me that it's not my fault; my mom is a difficult person to get along with, she is a very high anxiety person, and can't cope with stress well.
ohhhh there are times like tonight, where i feel so sad. i feel so guilty. i feel like a terrible daughter. ahhhhh it's the most horrible feeling in the world. my mom seems so vulnerable and lonely, and i know this sounds crazy but sometimes it feels like she expects me to be the adult and take care of her. And sometimes i'm in this deep depression and i just want her to be there for me....
I'm sooo sorry for babbling, i'm feeling so many different things and trying to put them into words that make (at least some!) sense, so sorry if i'm not doing that good of a job. :-)
Longing Posted - 01 September 2004 20:24
I had a similar situation at home and I moved out and my mom is much better alone and takes medication for it. She is able to cope much better living alone and I can mitigate contact. I felt bad leaving my mom alone and stayed for a long time and we both got hurt. This way works out much better. I know of other people who have done the same.
israel-phile gal Posted - 01 September 2004 20:24
dragonfly- wow. i cannot imagine the difficulty of growing up already grown up. my mom had it liekthat. her motherhad her when she was 17 & she didnt knwo how 2 b a mother. if my mom fell & got hurt- her mother wud cry w her- instead of tryin2 calm her down...being that my mom is teh oldest- she became the mother of the hosuehold (which sucks 4 me bc although my mom doesnt expect me 2 do wat she used 2- but even a fraction of
PT BEING- that its really hard 2 grow up liek that, i dunno if its a possibility 4 u 2 talk 2 ur mom abt it- & tell her how u feel...
if not just knwo that this expereince- althoguh not neccessarily wanted, will make u in2 an absoutely incredible mother (i speak from experience w mine ;) )
u mite wanna make some older friends who u can turn 2 in times of "parental need", if u knwo wat i mean...
neways i gtg, but gl & keep strong & remember that u r an incredible person
snelling Posted - 01 September 2004 20:24
i know that as an outsider i cant give you exactly what you want, but the truth is that even if i knew you personally, i could never give you THE magic words, because in all honesty, they dont exist. however, i can give you advice based on my experience.
-try talking to your mom. sit down and explain to her how yopu feel, and that in spite of the stress she lives with -which you understand- it is not fair for her to create extra stress and pain for you. tell her what you need, and what you are willing to do. listen to her side of the story, and try to understand what you both need from eachother.
-if a talk wont/doesnt work, try writting her a letter. (but be sure to read it and reread it on at least 2 diffewrent days before you give it to her to make sure that you are respectful and dont let your emotions take over and overdo it.) letters are a good way to express yourself because no one can interupt you, you can think before you 'speak' and rethink what you said after you 'said' it. also, you recipient has time to hear you out fully and formulate a response before she speaks to you. you are both at the advantage this way, and are likely to hear eachother very clearly.

good luck!

yideleh Posted - 01 September 2004 20:24
hang in there dragon. Just by your post I know you're a good daughter. It's hard, but you're probably doing an amazing job as it is. Venting on frumteens can only help! G'luck
dragonfly Posted - 02 September 2004 14:34
You guys are awesome.... thanks soooooo much for caring and taking the time to respond!! It really means a lot :-)
Tonight was terrible - we fought again, the kind of fight where u make stupid stuff into a whole big deal... lately my mom has always managed to find something wrong with me (tonight it was my flip flops, she doesn't approve of wearing those) and it hurts, a LOT... I wish she could accept me for who i am. my head is pounding now, what a night it's been. deep down i know that what i really need to do is learn to just listen to her criticism, and not take it personally, and just remember that she has a hard life..... but that's sooooooooooooo hard to do, and i usually end up yelling back, which makes me feel so guilty.
Anyway, thanks again all of u - ur unbelievable
Longing - wow, I'm so happy things are working out better for you! My mom also takes medication for it btw. Oh, and I have thought about moving out many many times (got invitations from incredibley wonderful friends and relatives who are aware of the situation) but for some reason it's REALLY hard for me to make that step. Thanks so much 4 ur post though, and i hope things keep getting better and better for you.
israel-phile gal - thanks for understanding! ur a doll
snelling - thanks for your smart smart advice - a lot easier said than done though, especially since lately we can't seem to have a normal conversation... but i'm really gonna try so thank u!
yideleh - thanks for caring! :-)
Longing Posted - 05 September 2004 3:32
Thank you. Things are great now. Just last night she told me how she looks forward to my vists. I call her every day and visit often, but I can escape and need to much less.
dragonfly Posted - 05 September 2004 20:30
Longing - i'm soooo glad thing's are going good! :-)
Longing Posted - 05 September 2004 21:49
YMG Posted - 10 September 2004 13:01
i totally agree w/ snelling. u should a letter to ur mother and tell her how you feel. i remember once me & my sis got really annoyed at s/t my mother did so we wrote a really respectful letter (we read it over & over just to make sure)and put it on her desk. my mother really appreciated it and took it to heart.try it, it ight work!!!!! bye,YMG
dragonfly Posted - 12 September 2004 20:17
Thanks so much YMG - you're right, I definitely think writing a letter is a real good idea, in fact my mother writes me letters all the time about these kinda things, but somehow i never got into the habit of writing back - but i do think i'm gonna try next time something comes up :) Thank G-d! Things have been a bit better the past few days!! I started college this week which is exciting for me so i've been in this happy mood, not really letting stuff get to me! :) Take care everyone! thanks again

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