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|soulrebel||Posted - 17 November 2010 1:57
K, I'm serious here
here's what I want- a healthy relationship with my parents.
As a kid it was easy. I was quiet, meek, didn't have anything to hide. I did everything I was told. I felt approved of
then I got older. I wanted more than to bike around the block. I wanted all sorts of priveleges- to be able to choose my friends and be the one deciding to keep them, to hang out, to go online without supervision, go to any non-dangerous neighborhood...I won't bore you all, just picture a geeky kid realizing that there is more to life than the books people picked for her, that she could in fact hang with almost anyone she wanted, that there is fun in the world ... And then came guys. In 4 months, all the good years were negated. I was 13, angry that I wasn't good enough, couldn't do anything...
I started airing my views, and it didn't go over too well
when I was 14, I learned not to talk. Seemed easier than riling everyone up, I didn't want to upset anybody, I had to get into high school...I learned how to lie...how to act...how to be polite and distant. My real self was for friends, they liked me.
I got into high school, learned how to sneak around really well, met a lot of similar people... My relationship with my parents plummeted when I got caught with some people on my phone, they took it away. I just became a better sneak, met people who helped me and got some techies to help me out....I spun into a kind of reckless existence, but kept my grades up, I know a lot depends on grades.
At the end of my first year in hs, I realized things were spiralling out of control. I had to get away from the world I'd started to enter...I ditched a lot of characters ON MY OWN, never looked back...my parents only knew a fraction of what went on, they'd flip even now if they knew anything. Since they didn't know how much I'd changed, they saw me as their same failure, but I had too much pride to tell them anything, I wanted to change for myself and Gd, not them.
Sophie year stuff did happen, but a lot less than the year before. Problem was, people started to look up to me, calling for advice, using me as a mediator- and I wasn't allowed to even talk to half these people, I had to sneak around to help them! And i don't even know how to do the most basic thing-have a real convversation with my parents!
In my experience, I've tried to talk to them. Whenever I'm honest, it's used against me. Whenever I even hint at how I feel my little society of other teenagers is, it winds up upsetting them. Every time I offer a deal, there's nothing in it for me, it's all about them
I'm not stupid enough to belief they'll ever LIKE me or anything. If I'm not little miss perfect, I'm out. I'm just saying I have to live with them for the next 2 years, I want there to be as little friction as possible. My children will need grandparents, I owe it to my hypothetical offspring!
I do help around the house more than any of the others . I babysit. I clean. I come when called. I do live with them, I have to contribute. I try to earn my allowance, I've got pride.
I feel like I can't win, like it shouldn't be a win/lose situation. I feel like if I'd get some of what I want, I could supress other wants. I have brought this up, and then they make it seem like they're willing to work it out, but then it always becomes "you do this, change this...whaddaya mean "in exchange for what?"? I feel like I can't work with them, and I don't know what to do! In school, between other people and their parents, between friends-- I can always do some diplomatic work. I once asked someone what to do and she said "call yourself?"
is it even worth it? Why should I care? On some days I contemplate just disappearing after high school, not suicide, but taking a new identity, a new name and background---then I remember that no matter how much plastic surgery I have, everyone would recognize me due to a certain aspect of my appearance, and that in today's age of the Internet, private detectives, I don't even know what, I can't run away.
Ugh, I have no good options: change and be miserable, with myself, stay the same and make my parents miserable, run away, stay...
WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?!??!
|josh1||Posted - 13 December 2010 23:26
It seems you tought yourself how to live with the situation. Its best I would think to stick it out. You are almost done with school, then you can go away for seminary and college...in the meantime it may be important to find someone that you can confine in. Maybe your friends have someone they know of that they were able to confide in.
You should know that many people are in your shoes, where they dont feel like they can talk to their parents about things...
Im sure that you see whats wrong and one day you are going to be a great mother to your children.
Hang in there!
|soulrebel||Posted - 17 January 2011 23:43
I sort of found this family, I spend more non school hours with them than my real family. They are thrilled to pieces with my mere BREATHING, and I cheer thtm up and eat their Food (it's called "leftover prevention"). It's kind of hard for me to go away from them, but I figure that they need time to themselves, to bicker over who will do the laundry and all that stuff families do in private.
Non of my friends had designated "people to confide in." most of them just sort of roamed around in big packs of teenagers, had to grow up, messed up, and are now trying to get it together. I call them "self made", because they kind of raised themselves. Even my nonjewish pal who seems to have it all is very self-raised because the parents were always at work (now ones been laid off). Where were/are everyones parents?
I am frightened to death in regards to any children of mine. Unless I marry a total saint so the genes cancel out, they will be exactly what I deserve... But I don't care, they can do whatever they want as long as it's legal, far better that they do whatever it will be in the open...like, I'd try to instill something in them, but if that doesn't work, it's going to be time to move to plan #2, I don't stick with something that consistently fails. I kind of feel like I'd just want them to be able to survive in the world, be decent human beings...I'll end up with a bunch of loudmouths hanging out on the living room and a shuir in the kitchen and a bunch of random strangers passing through and eating all my food. You know, assuming I'd have any kids.
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