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|eyeballs15||Posted - 12 April 2001 20:02
a long time ago i used to listen to NJ music and my mom would always tell me how bad it is and she would try to take away my cd's and stuff and i finally relized how bad it is and it took along time but i finally stopped i found out like a couple weeks ago that my mom listens to NJ music and shes been doing it for a LONG time even when i was doing it she was also doing ti. so last night it was really bothering me so i said to her um ma can i ask u a question and than im like what happend to the part that non jewish music ruins ure neshama and that we dont listen to NJ music in our house so she started making up excuses that shes been doing it for 30 yrs and when she was a kid she aslo used to do it so it doesnt have the same effect on her as it would on a teenager. is she right? i mean we all have the same kinda neshama and its the same type of shmutzik music. aslo my respect for her went wayyyy down and im not sure howda gain that back. can u help? thanx a tun!
|MODERATOR||Posted - 18 April 2001 0:16
Let's say your mother is addicted, so to speak, to this music and after 30 years its very very hard for her to stop although she wants to. It's hard to judge someone who is so entrenched in her habits for 30 years. And music can become kind of an addiction.
I'll tell you a story that very few people know.
Rav Schneur Kotler ZT"L, was known to often keep the wondows in his small office in the Lakewood Yeshiva wide open, even in the coldest weather. Sometimes he was wearing his coat, breathing smoke at his desk but he owuldnt close the windows. Also, the ceiling panels were always out of their frame, revealing the emptiness of the inner ceiling above. This was going on for decades.
I found out why. Rav Schneur ZT"L smoked. Nobody knew this, btw. If you ask someone who learned in Lakewood they will tell you they never saw the Rosh Yeshiva with a cgiarette in his mouth.
But he did smoke. When he was younger, nobody knew yet that smoking was bad for you. Thats when Rav Schnuer grew up, and became addicted to cigarettes. By the time they found out that smoking was bad, he was already hooked, big time.
But he didnt want his Talmidim to learn from him, so he made up never to let them see him smoking. If they knew that he smoked, even if he later successfully would stop, the students may have used it as an "excuse" for them to start. "I will be able to stop, too, leater on, just like the Rosh Yeshiva did," they could say.
So he only smoked in private, in his office. And in order to make sure there were no tell-tale odor of smoke, he would always keep the windows open and the ceiling panels open.
He did this for years, because he didnt want to be used as an excuse.
Look at your mother the same way. I dont know when she decided that NJ music is bad, but by the time that point arrived, she was probably already habituated into it. But she deosnt want to be used as an excuse to start. Its not hypocritical; its trying to help someone not start what it alreayd very hard for you to stop. It's trying to make sure you dont get stuck like she did.
Also remember, that years ago, NJ music was NOTHING in terms of dirt level, compared to what it is today. And thats an understatement. And I would imagine its going to be worse in the future. Your Mom just doesnt want to you get into that dirt if you can avoid it. She wants you to try as hard as she tries to break away from it. But whereas that level of strength wont work for her, it will probably work for you since youre just starting.
Also, even today, not all NJ music is the same. If someone tells you not to listen to Lil Kim, it's not hypocritical, even if they occasionally hear A-Teens.
So cut your Mom some slack. Not everyone's Nisayon is the same. And trying to break a 30-year habit is not the same as starting one now.
|eyeballs15||Posted - 19 April 2001 20:36
THANX! wow that really helped!
but why did rav schneur smoke in the first place wasnt he such a great person?
|MODERATOR||Posted - 19 April 2001 20:50
Yeah, he was such a great person. But when he started smoking, nobody knew it was bad. In fact, there si s statement in the Pnei Yehoshua (late 1700's) that the reason smoking is permitted on Yom Tov is because smoking is healthy (and is therefore condiered davar hashova lechol nefesh)! Even though Rav Schenur did not live in the 1800's, still, in the early 1900's all the way up to the 60's or so they had almost no idea that smoking causes cancer. There were so many Gedolim that smoked for this reason. By the time they found out how bad it was, they were already addicted.
Rav Moshe Feinstein ZT"L writes, though, in such instances, the rule of "shomer pesayim hashem" applies. Meaning, that is so many people are invovled in something that is dangerous, Hashem watches to make sure they will be safe. Rav Moshe permits smoking on those grounds. Today, though, when everyone knows that smoking is dangerous and therefore the general public does not smoke freely, to begin smoking, the heter would obviously not apply.
|tess||Posted - 25 April 2001 3:39
dear eyeball, i had a friend who was messing up her life with guys, etc, but now that her younger sis started getting into this same stuff she is down her back 24 :7 all about how horrible it is, you get the similarity? etc ,etc...maybe your mom knows how hard it is to get unhooked once you get hooked ( i for sure do), and of course the best example to set for you would be for her to stop and abstain- but thats really hard. Every parent wants their kids to have more than they had, to be better and achieve more than they themselves achieved. If you look at it like this, you reallize your mother really cares about you and sees the flaws in herself and wants to make sure they arent repeated in you.
|Rache||Posted - 23 January 2002 4:37
I have a friend who's father is a big smoke and when he found out that one if his children experimented with it, he went ballistic and still hasnt forgiven his child, and it been a year since.
Your mom knows more anyone else how appealing the jewish music is to you and she is simply protecting you from it, being that she is fully aware and she herself is a 'victim' to it. Look it as though she is doing you a chesed in trying to help prevent you from falling for what she apparently has.
|BeGood613||Posted - 05 March 2002 11:39
I used to listen to trashy music all the time since i was like 10 years old and i really liked it, but a while ago i realized how it really may be contamination me and i tried to stop. Its a hard thing to do, but its so amazingly worth it for any of you who are thinking about it, you might feel unsuccesful in the begining, but considering how much impact music can have on a person, it can change the whole state of your being, make you a far more spiritual and iplifted even haShem, go for it!
|goodgirl||Posted - 23 December 2003 2:27
it is more likely for a mother to be bothered by her kid listening than listen herself but i dont know why we have to cut the nother slack. if a mother doesnt want her kid to listen she shouldnt listen either. even if its hard for her so shes not really being a hypocrite, every teen i know would view their mother as one. i had a similar situation were i was reading books and when i realized that my brother was old enough to read what i was reading but i still didnt want him to, i stopped reading that stuff bkz i thought maybe i shouldnt be reading it either
|israel-phile gal||Posted - 24 December 2003 5:27
goodgirl- good 4 u!! (abt the bks!) impressive! ;)
|goodgirl||Posted - 21 January 2004 21:34
ipg glad ur proud of me but i started again a little if i'm really bord (but i know what to skip and i really do skip it.)
|inexpressable||Posted - 01 February 2004 13:43
um good girl that sorta sounds like a rationalization.im not criticizing you, i think what you did is amazing, im just scared ull fall Gd forbid. i think you should reanaylize the reasons u stoppd, cuz if it was only for ur bro.. then u should just strengthen ur reasonings. im only saying this cuz i know how tricky the yetzer hara can b. it goes somthing like this: first you stop , then u sorta forget the reasons u stoppd, then u start , but just a little bit,. and after justification after justification ur bak at square one ch"vs. so just b careful thar urnot just fooloing urself and gl with everything u do!
|HZ||Posted - 01 February 2004 21:21
Sigh, the efefcts on the neshama. On Shabbos, for no reason, I started sing a goyish song I heard as a kid. I didn't even listen to goyish music, just heard it around other people.
|goodgirl||Posted - 01 February 2004 23:32
i have a certine amazing friend who helps keep me on track (even if she doesnt realize) she was ripping out chapters of her books while i was reading the whole books- i keep her in mind and i dont think i will ever completely revert- besides i have a bit of a concience that asks me do i really have 2 be reading this
|jewsrcool||Posted - 03 March 2004 18:55
i think u should tell ur mom how u feel.my mom did the same thing and i told her and she stoped listening to nj music.it was hard but she did it and now im not allowed to listen to nj music
|s.o.s||Posted - 30 March 2004 14:47
i feel jist lik ur ma cuz i used to be best frends wiv gals hu were into guyz etc... and i got ova da stage and B"H had d strength not to get into any relationships (evntho i waz pritty close a few times) and now like 2yrslata my sister is goin thru dat stage and i feel very overprotective over her- she started wiv dis one guy and i waz always so cross wiv her and then i'd feel like a hypocrite but i jist wanted to protect her frm getin into anythin!!
|talker||Posted - 21 May 2004 17:59
i know that i'm commenting on s/t that was posted a yr or two ago but anyway i dont think that u can compare being addicted to smoking and being addicted to music. there is nicotine in cigarettes and the person will get headaches bc they need the nicotine but s/o hoo is addicted to music might have the urge to listen to the music but they won't phyically get sick. i listen to nj music but durin the 3 weeks and sefira i dont and its hard but its not impossible. I think that its a bad excuse to say ive been listening to NJ music for 30 yrs so i cant stop. its really hard for a teenager to respect their parents if their parent tells them not to do s/t and then they see that their parent does the thing they were told not to do.
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