Anything about JUDAISM
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badnewsforthejews Posted - 27 April 2010 1:42
I have a slight predicament... as I enter the "parsha" of dating, I am worried that I am not going to be able to marry the kind of guy I have always dreamed of.
I always imagined myself marrying a talmid chacham, maybe a man who would become the beloved Rav of a shul, maybe a learning boy, maybe even slightly good looking :)
I'm a good girl, great reputation, tons of friends [for "networking purposes"], ba'alas chesed, dress tzniyusly, not too bad looking... so what's the problem? Here we go.
I grew up completely frum, and among my circle of friends I was known as the "really religious one". I went to an all girls high school, was very influential in my region of NCSY (I was even regional president), and then went to a seminary in Eretz Yisrael for a year. I wore skirts and sleeves and was shomeret negiyah by the end of 6th grade all on my own, stopped talking to boys out of the context of kiruv and NCSY when I got to high school on principle. Still not getting the problem?
My parents are ba'alei teshuva, which is a big red flag in todays world. I have a younger brother in public school, which upset the last boy I dated. Why do people pay more attention to the smaller "negative" things in my family than to the positives and to the good things about me?

My parents are the biggest ba'alei chesed and are outstanding members of my community. They picked this community davka for the religious integrity of the community (granted, very Modern Orthodox, but even that was a big deal for them). They work hard to ensure that my siblings and I have the opportunity to have a good Torah education, and they serve as role models and as an inspiration to everyone who has been to my home for Shabbos. The fact that they CHOSE a Torah lifestyle over their very comfortable secular environment speaks volumes for their love of Yiddishkeit and commitment to Hashem. They try so hard to be the best Jews they can be, so who is a shadchan or a potential shidduch to degrade ba'alei teshuva the way they do?

The fact that one of my brothers is in public school is due to a slight barely noticeable learning disability and social issues that are beyond my family's control. We do our best to make sure that he learns Torah still (with a Rebbe three times a week), and if that's the best he can do why is that not satisfactory in the eyes of potential shidduchim?

I don't understand why background and yichus play such an important role in today's frum shidduch world. It's so unfortunate, and I don't want to have to "settle", nor do I want any frum boy to see me as "marrying down". In the years that I spent heavily involved in NCSY, I was taught to always look at an individual based on his or her past accomplishments and future potential. If I have proven myself in those fields, why should I be held back based on my family's past or circumstances beyond our control? Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Bemakom she'ein anashim, hishtadel lihiyos ish. -Pirkei Avos

ploni almony Posted - 03 May 2010 21:17
I feel your pain. I wish you much luck in finding your bashert.
I am a boy and I would not attribute much signifigence to your family background.

For now all I have time to say is that if you would date someone with a similar background (parents or he are balei teshuva) then I would presume they would not be bothered by your background.

Besuros Tovos!

willmakeproud Posted - 03 May 2010 21:17
Im a teenager who went through alot and you want to know something? The "BEST" Religous Jews out there are baal Teshuvas. 2 of my best married friends are and they are the most Amazing people in the world. I have come to learn that baal teshuvas are better than being religous since birth. They have been put through so many things. They have givin up everything in there life to be religous and do religous people make that decition? No. If these guys left you because of your parents or your brother then bottom line They Do Not deserve you. They guy will come you just have to open your eyes wider and have faith in Hakodosh Boruj Hu. One More thing.... Mad Props for everything you have accomplished so far in your life... It is very difficult.
hocking613 Posted - 17 May 2010 22:48
badnews, i wanna tell u s/t that s/o else told me when i told her last year when i went into shidduchim, what u just told me. get it? k, here goes.

let's say Miss Yeshivish-Yichus-Beautiful goes into shidduchim and shadchanim are *running* after her. she has avraham, yitzy, yanky, moshe, ari, dov, shalom, leib, and menachem to go out with b4 she ends up with menachem. so far so good?

next scenario: Miss Not-such-perfect-yichus (just for the record, i think baalei teshuva/geirim are the best yichus s/o can have), or insert any or all deficiencies above - goes into shidduchim, and of all the boys that are in shidduchim, three are redt to her, and only one will go out with her. and whaddaya know? it's her bashert.

my friend was saying that those of us w/ so-called deficiencies are actually at an advantage - we have fewer choices to sift thru, but at the end of the day, Hashem sends us our bashert just as he sends Miss Perfect hers!!

Hatzlacha Rabba in the parsha, and don't forget the most important thing - DAVEN!! it saves my life.

"achakeh lo bechol yom sheyavo" ;)

my chelek is my chelek; your chelek is your chelek; no one can take away anyone else's chelek. ezehu ashir hasameach bechelko.

rayray Posted - 31 May 2010 22:39
and having a big yichus doesnt always help... my grandfather helped to start and ran a kashrus vaad for a really long time,as well as a shochet... he has a big name... then my father was a mashgiach for them... so you would think that i come from a good family... BUT u dont know what happens behind closed doors...

"Luck is where preparation meets opportunity"- Ed Hardy

ayelet4981 Posted - 07 January 2011 2:53
I happen to also be in a similar situation and a friend said something interesting to me. I was complaining about these types of issues to her, and she said "but look how much stronger you are!" and I was very confused. She explained to me that because my parents are baalei teshuva and because I have had to do so much on my own in order to get to the point I am now, I am so much stronger. Yes, it is definitely easy for me to say this since I am not dating, but when you are feeling down about your situation just remember that it is YOU who made the choices. You are not a puppet or a robot doing what is expected of you. You have made your life choices to do the right thing. Im Yirtza Hashem your bashert will come soon and he will recognize that your yiddishkeit is more important to you than any typical girl out there who has incredible yichus. Just stay strong and know that you are an incredible person.

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