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kookiya Posted - 11 December 2008 18:21
i've never posted on this blog before i'm just going out of my mind.

I used to have a real smooth, perfect life. I was always skinny, pretty, got good marks, had tons of friends- very close ones and just chilling friends. I have a big, beautiful house in flatbush. I have a great family, I loved camp, and got along with my parents. After getting a great job that I've always wanted, my life couldn't get better. I started dating a guy after - from the first date I knew he would be in my vort pictures. He was good looking, blonde, interesting to talk to, and a really warm, sensitive guy. We got engaged within a couple of months and my perfect life reached its peak.

Then, it happened.

After a couple of weeks of engagement, his side suddenly called it off. For a couple of days I was just in shock. I felt like I had the flu. This never happened to me. Suddenly, I went from the one everyone wished they could be to the one everyone pitied. People started talking to me in that tone usually reserved for people sitting shiva.

I love how anonymous this is because the whole world thinks I'm "amazing" and "taking this so well." Well, feel honored. You know what my best friend, my mother, and my mentors dont. I am NOT taking this well. I am going crazy!!!! I've actually turned into a danger to society because I cry every time I'm alone- usually while I drive. And it's hard to concentrate while youre bawling.

well, I was starting to cope. I was starting to get over it. But now for the best part.

my best friend is getting engaged tomorrow.

Would you believe me if I told you I am really happy for her just desperate to get married myself?

I have no support and I don't have any close friends who've went through broken engagements.
Did you ever go through this? Do you know anyone who did? Please help me I can't stop crying.

sandythedog Posted - 16 December 2008 10:34
I know two ppl who had broken engagements, at least one had it broken after the invites were sent out. I know someone who is only a few years out of hs and is devorced. Based on these two scenarious, it is obviously better to have it broken than to get divorced CHAS V'SHALOM. What I have heard is that one should look at the person who broke the engagement, not the person who had it broken to bc if ur breaking it off, it needs to be for extremely good reasons...and no, ur not crazy at all. You're going through a ruff patch and u need someone there for you. I know another girl, was engaged like a yr out of hs, broken engagement, and like a yr or so later maybe, she got married. It needs to be the right one, at the right time. If I started going out right at the beginning of seminary, i would have been looking for someone different-at that point, i didn't care abt tv really...ect,ect...u will iy"H find someone for you, but you need to be open to it. Take a breather now, but remember to go back. Everything happens for a reason. Use this time to think 'I have everyone around me who cares and loves me. If I not married this second, I will still live and I will still get up each morning and say 'Thank YOU Hashem for another chance at life and another chance at finding my beshert' Just hang in there. And speak to someone, whether it be a frum psychologist, or ur mom. Someone needs to hold ur hand and be there for you. Don't tread alone;u already have seen that it isn't working.

kol tov AND UR NEVER ALONE.

ner daluk Posted - 17 December 2008 20:50
Kookiya,
I feel you pain. I really do I felt it in every word of your post. It's not easy I know that from You and I know that from s/o else very close to me who was in the same situation.

There really is nothing anyone will say that will make you feel better. Time will heal and know that HKB"H is watching over you. For reasons that you maybe will come to know as time goes on or not he decided this was a nisayon that you needed to make you even GREATER than you already are. And it is a nisayon. B"H your life was amazing until now. This is a bump in the a curvy rode (during a blackout?) but once you get through this (and you will) Your life will be as amazing as it was before. You'll find someone who truly deserves you. Someone sincere inside and out.

I totally understand your friend getting engaged being hard. It's almost like a lost dream for you (but it's not lost it's simply on hold as the moment). You almost had it but it was taken away from you. Even though really you are thrilled for your friend just as you were for yourself you're just going through a hard time. 100% normal.

If it's any sort of nechama, the person I know who had a broken engagement is very happy. She moved on has refocused her priorities and her life has grown and has moved on. It's a matter of letting some time pass, doing some introspection, grow from the matzav and come out stonger from this. Obviously easier said than done but you can forsure do it!

Hatzlacha Rabba!

Kol zman shehaner dolek efshar od l'taken!

aidle maidle Posted - 17 December 2008 20:50
Hi, I have also never posted before but when I read your post I felt so much for you that I thought I just have to sign up, so here I go...

A few months ago one of my friends got engaged and two weeks before the wedding the chosson broke it off. She had no idea it was coming and was totally shocked. Everyone was telling her, "better it happened now than after you were married...”. After some time she realized how true this is and this helped her that bit more to deal with the pain of her broken engagement. A few days after the chosson called off the wedding, he wanted the wedding back on. Can you imagine?? My friend said “if he could've done such a thing to me, 2 weeks before my wedding, put me through all this, then such a boy is not for me. I can’t marry such a person.” She is still taking it very hard but is B"H is getting over it slowly.

Now, on my part. My best friend, got married last week. I’m still single. Generally my group of friends got engaged at a very young age and I’m one of the last ones of my circle, so I understand 100% how you feel about your friend getting engaged tomorrow. You wrote you can’t stop crying, one thing I started doing when I start crying is that I use this opportunity to say a tefilah to Hashem (like the tefilah l’zivug. You can find it in the aneini. If you want I can put it up on this thread), because as you know, the gates of tears are never closed and your tefilos with tears have such a powerful effect in Shomaim. Please write back on here, I would love to know how you’re doing.


Melissa85 Posted - 17 December 2008 20:50
Oh boy, Kookiya, i feel for you. It could be like... "i dont think theres any way to tell people, cuz i dont think they can ever understand 100% what im going through." I have a frend who had the boy call it off a few days before her wedding. Really, she had no clue it was coming and then came the phone call. I dont know how she did it, but when i spoke to her she mentioned that the truth is, its hard to be happy and pretend its all good...when its really not. The thing is, when people assume you are doing great and have it all together, they wont want to go further in. But when anyone is going through something, they need to have someone they can talk to or sound it out with, or even just support. This is just a suggestion...but would you have anyone who you can pull aside and tell them what is really going on and sound it out with them? Its just hard to keep it all in, and i find it really helps me to talk things over with someone when i feel crummy, to get a different perspective and even just to have me feel that its normal to think/feel that way. Please keep us posted!!
josh1 Posted - 17 December 2008 20:50
What sandythedog said. Im not going to repeat it all, but what she says is very true.

I know it must be so hard, but dont worry things will turn back around. Its just a bump on the road.

We are all here for you. Keep us updated

rayray Posted - 17 December 2008 20:50
i know of 2 broken engagements i can think of right now 1 the girl and guy about a year or so later got married to different ppl and are ver happy. the other went back to her old life. she seems happy... i also have abest friend that got married, had a baby, and is now 21 with out ajob bc her ex hubby isolated her, has a little baby boy that her husband doesnt ever want to see. she lost her house, car, most of her jewelry, realy everything she had. she had to move back home, get a job... and the worse was she really wanted to be a stay at home mom, and now she has to put her son into day care while she works.

if it isnt right it isnt right. and for the record i was engaged and about a month b4 the wedding he was killed. i think i have moved on kinda, well i dont cry anymore 24/7 but i am still not dating 3 years later. i wear the wedding ring he got me, his mother wanted me to have it, he had in engraved with a quote for me, to help me out in life... really hashem was looking out for m e

everythingisforthebest Posted - 06 January 2009 1:11
kookiya,wow that must be really hard especially when everyone has this perfect image of you and your "expected" to handle it because of your persona i can relate although im not in your exact situation i am going through a divorce and i am very young. i also live in flatbush are pretty skinny ect and also give off the impression that i am just fine and am dealing with everything really well even though at night sometimes i cant stop crying and i feel like i should hide that.I think itll help if you find yourself a mentor therapist or friend that you trust who u can talk to dont go threw it alone if u need to be depressed sometimes let yourself u need to mourn for a little while its normal. your going threw a hard time. u should still remember that although this is hard to hear now u dont have any clue who this guy rlly is and what he would have been like as a husband, maybe this is a bracha in disguise just remember that just bec he broke it off it does not mean theres something wrong with you.you will i"h get engaged again and be very happy. thank Hashem that it ended now and not later, take it from me.good luck with everything and keep your chin up...
aidle maidle Posted - 06 January 2009 1:11
Hi! (I wrote you a post back, I think the day after you wrote, but it didn’t get posted! So, I’ll try again!)

I have a friend who got engaged a couple of months ago. She is such a wonderful person, talented, pretty, good family etc. Her and her chosson looked a perfect match. Two weeks before the wedding the chosson called it off. She had no idea it was coming and was totally shocked to say the least. A lot of people were telling her "better it happened now than after you were married...” I’m sure you’ve heard this from plenty of people, but I see with my friend, after a while she realized how true this is and this is helping her get over it that bit more.

Now, on my part, I can imagine how you feel that your best friend just got engaged. My best friend got married two weeks ago and I’m still single. Most of my friends are engaged and married; it just happened to be that my circle of friends went very young. This is my nisoyin at the moment and I daven to HaShem to give me the koiach (strength) to go through it. You mentioned that you are crying away know what I do when I cry? I daven. I say a tefila to HaShem. (E.g. the tefila l'zivug- ( prayer to find a suitable marriage partner), you can find it in the aneini. If you want I can write it up on here) because a tefila with tears has such a strong power in Shomaim. Remember, the gates of tears are never closed.
Keep strong! If you can, write back on here, would love to know how you’re doing. All the best, aidle maidle

pin123 Posted - 26 January 2009 21:49
Q for aidel maidel...

The story you mentioned sounds very similiar to a sad story I heard recently about a broken engagement..Did the chosson at least explain why he did what he did? It's terribly sad when something like this happens but all parties have to recognise that often these things happen for an extremely good reason. Its so important, (however hard it is to accept), to recognise that looking back on anything in life - it is all rotzon hashem. The only things that provide the illusion of bechira are our choices in the present - even those are essentially rotzon hashem, just that it doesn't feel like it to us.
Sometimes when we can take a step back and detach ourselves from the situation, we can see that the whole purpose of our existence and indeed the world's, is to be megaleh cvod shamayim and that it is Hashem who runs everything. This is something that is quite easy to say, but hard to actually manifest in practise, in a real, day-by-day basis.
The above can in no way substitute for the pain that anyone experiences in any yisurin, but sometimes meaning can make the harsh sting of pain slightly less bitter..

I wish you and your friend much hatzlocha and strength in your search for your zivug.

pin123

kookiya Posted - 02 February 2009 17:19
This is amazing!
I had forgotten that I wrote this and haven't checked back since I did. Tonight I went through a serious crisis... I don't know what made me check here, but this is exactly the chizuk I needed!!

aidle maidle- that is a crazy story! Boys stink. Period. )

Everythingisforthebest- I hate to say that your pain is my medication… but you really gave me a picture of the alternative. A therapist? I have FrumTeens!

Rayray…. Wow. I have no doubt that the way people expect me to pull out of this, so will you! Hey, maybe my ex will be your husband!!

You are all amazing… thanks so much! It’s people like you who make situations like this the “bumps on the road” so much smoother. And boy, are there bumps (the boys ARE the bumps!:) …… I feel like I’m on a virtual crazy rollercoaster. But I’ll just smile in case there are hidden cameras and a booth at the end to sell me my picture in a keychain!

josh1 Posted - 08 February 2009 18:52
Good to hear you are feeling much better. Remember to come back and post when you get engaged!
ner daluk Posted - 23 February 2009 21:59
Glad to see your spirits up Kookiya!

Hope the stay this way here on out.

Kol zman shehaner dolek efshar od l'taken!

torah tears Posted - 01 March 2009 21:17
It is extremely painful. I was in the same situation as you:(.
What helps me is to think how Hashem knows that everything happens for a reason. The matter of fact is that for some reason or another you and him are not shaiach. He is clearly not as amazing as you think he is if he ended it.
You must try so hard to have emuna that there is a guy soo much better for you out there. And be thankful that Hashem ended this relationship now, rather than chas veshalom having to get divorced 10 years and 7 kids later:(.
I know there will be days there will be so incredibly difficult. But overall, try so hard to keep your emuna strong and bright. This is a test that you will certainly overcome.
klutchka Posted - 01 March 2009 21:17

Hey Kooks,

I thought long and hard before writing this, but decided that the benefits outweigh the negatives. If I misjudged, please, please, PLEASE forgive me. End of disclaimer.

It does tend to be a problem, dealing with people like you. You are such a fighter and such a convincing actress, that people find it hard to imagine the pain you’re in. And the few that really do work to understand you don’t know how to get through to you in way that shows how sincere they really are.

You are 100% right about people not fully understanding you, nobody can ever fully understand another, but I just wanted to let you know that there are some that try. They really do. They cry at the thought of you crying, and smile through their tears as they watch you smile through yours. They act like things are perfectly normal – just the way that you do – because they know that you won’t have it any other way. They work to feel your pain and your loneliness, and try their hardest to do hishtadlus on your part. But most of all, they pray.

They pray because at the end of the day, they know that that is the most effective thing they can do for you.
Imagine being close to someone like yourself for a minute. You can’t begin to fathom the helpless feelings. On the one hand, they see that you’re in pain. There are those that aren’t fooled by your unbelievable performance. They know that no one can go through what you’ve gone through and walk out unscathed. They so badly want to reach out, to pull you in, to be there for you. But they know how much you value your independence, and they know that this is a fight that you must fight alone – at least on the surface. They struggle with this knowledge, but work to overcome their own need to “be there for you” because they know deep down that this is what you TRULY want from them. They also don’t understand how such a thing could happen to you, and they also look for answers.

I also love how anonymous this is, because it is the perfect opportunity for me to tell you how much I think about you, care for you, and admire you, without having to stumble over my words or act casual. The anonymity gives me the chance to express the things that I have a really hard time giving over naturally.

The hashgacha of logging on to Frumteens for the first time in literally months for no apparent reason and having this post catch my eye before I had a chance to look anywhere else on the forum was too much to resist. So I decided to take this opportunity to let you know how I feel, to tell you that I too am waiting for the day when we will clearly see the hand of Hashem in all this, when we will all finally understand why the most popular and talented of the bunch was hand picked for this nisayon, and why it will somehow make your life more perfect than it ever was before.

Until then, I’ll keep praying from afar.

I hope this put things into perspective, and was mechazek you somewhat.
And by the way, Frumteens, she really is unbelievable.

Your favorite sister,

-klutchka

P.S. – Your sense of humor gave it away. It is totally unique, and so YOU. Nutcase.

P. P. S. – Try to keep your eyes on the road…unless you want to ruin your slightly-less-perfect-than-yourself track record in the car…LOL.

P. P. P. S – You can do what you want with this. I will totally pretend to be oblivious unless you feel comfortable bringing it up. And you can always pretend that you never looked at Frumteens again, and I’ll never know. I love you either way.

miss behave! Posted - 21 April 2009 14:29
i am so so so sorry,
through out my (too) many challenges in life i try to remember that its for the best.
Bec if s.o was so mighty to have created this world then it has to be that HE has a master plan.

i was dating a guy for over 2 yrs.
the love i have for him is beyond words.
it was an amazing relationship.
and was looking fwd to my wedding day...
like any girl i designed my dress,picked out the style ring i likes,created a sketch for my center peices...you get the point.
His parents wanted us to get engaged for a long time already.
He finally decided that in June he was ready...however that was information i didnt know.
Close to 3 mnths ago,i woke up to find him lying on the floor...cold...blue...gone.
we did everything we could but to no avail.
the love of my life had passed away.
the pain is surreal.
during shiva his friends told me that he planned to propose this summer in israel.
my life is flying around me.
i try hard to stay in focus and remain sain.
A broken heart feels like a Broken life. no?

we have to take it slow...
if we think that we will **POOF** move on then it will just take longer.
we cant have expectations,the one above is watching us and wil help us through this hall way,life life,this temporary world.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
life
love
laughter
*crushed*

hope
dreams
faith
*shattered*

ring
gown
wedding
*void*

the things we did
the bond we had
the future we planned
*past*

i need you
i miss you
i love you
*forever*

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