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WhipCream Posted - 17 August 2008 21:24
I know how many threads have been posted concerning eating disorders and its harmful components, because I've been part of most of them. Yet, still today, after being affected by an "ED" for about 4 years now, I still struggle and I am still suffering from this terrible disease. I've starved myself, I've binged until it can make you sick, I've been struck with bulimia as well, yet, no matter how many times I tell myself "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll be good", it is always to no avail. Every day is bitter, in the back of my mind I see calories, fat content, or I am planning my next binge. This viscious cycle doesn't seem to end, and no matter how many times I will lie about being better, about "doing so well", I know I am only lying to myself. I'm writing now, because..well, I've turned to this site in the past for help, and I can definitely hope for a few replies. I'm seeking advice. Not on whom to see, not which psychologist to go to, not searching to run to a nutritionist. But I want to know this; If you've suffered from an ED in the past, or are still suffering on an every day basis, where facing the day is a constant battle & food is the enemy - I want to know how you cope. How you try to get through the day. If you feel like it'll never go away. Because sometimes, after I've binged, thrown up, & binged again..I can't bear to look at myself. I feel disgusting & disgusted with myself, and all I feel like doing is crying. It's scary to think that it will always be like this. That my ED won't ever go away. So, how do you cope? How do you deal with it? please write back...
Metuka Posted - 22 August 2008 18:32
first step is to get urself a therapist. pronto....
AliveAgain Posted - 22 August 2008 19:28
WhipCream, I have asked the same questions before. Of course every situation is different, but to a very great extent I can understand. It's extremely hard. But one day you will beat it. The question is, are you doing anything practical for it? I know you don't want lists of therapists etc., but you have to take that important step if you haven't yet.
I fooled myself for years thinking that I could just stop, and that it would just go away at some point. But you have to talk to someone.
But you should know that it IS possible to recover and live life without obsessing over how many calories are in a mint. I can't say that I never think about weight or eating disordered thoughts, but it is such a minimal part of my life now. I don't know if you want me to elaborate, or if that is what you want to hear, but I can tell you from experience that it is possible to live a normal, productive, healthy life. My eating disorder, which at one point defined who I was, is no longer a part of my life.
Looking back I can see how I really grew from my eating disorder, in terms of sensitivity towards others, etc. I am who I am today because of it.
That doesn't mean that you have to find the silver lining now, you don't have to feel "grateful" for your ed, but just know that one day you will look at it as part of your past, not an all-encompasing present.
I am not the only one. There are many people I know who are very happy with their lives now.
That doesn't mean it's easy now. I know it is painful, confusing and frustrating, but it may help to know that there can be a whole different, brighter life waiting for you.
Hatzlacha raba! You WILL beat this!
ps- are you going to seminary this year?

"When you reach a stumbling block, use it as a stepping stone"*****"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce!"

smile4me Posted - 25 August 2008 17:47
hey hon,
i'm confused with ur post. ur contradicting urself bec im not sure, do u want to continue ur ed or are u willing to make changes to get better?
I can tell u all the right answers but unless ur willing to change it, nothing matters. i've been where u are and so have a lot of ppl and there are so many ppl who have gotten thru it. if u want success stories, i can show u a few...
but what do u really really want?
josh1 Posted - 25 August 2008 17:47
Its very important to be talking to someone to help you out. It could be a parent a teacher or a therapist. It is extremely hard to help yourself without outside help.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

acara Posted - 25 August 2008 17:47
i am not fat, just not skinny...but im obsess of over it. i feel so big next to some of my friends. im just cut big too. and its all i think about now. for a year, i have been on and off with stages of non eating. my parents don't know, and they have been so irregular, i haven't even lost weight. but a few days ago, i decided that i don't want to go to my new school and look fat, so i have started to eat almost nothing...but i binge. i only binge on one food a day, and it always has to be a fruit or vegetable. i literally had like a whole stalk of brocolli yetsterday, along with a lil cereal, a lil chicken, and a lil rice. A LIL. and i have started to lose weight, but i look healthy. maybe you could try doing it that way? just concentrate on the actually physical and technical process of openeing your mouth, putting food in, and closing it. i really think this is the only way... and YOU CAN DO THIS! i have huge problems and then one day, i just figure out that the answer and it seems so obvious. this day will come for you too...hopefully soon

do you have other questions?

1&only Posted - 25 August 2008 17:47
Whipcream, I feel so bad that you're in such a hard place right now.
It DOES get better, though. Sometimes it has to get really bad before it gets better. I think the major key is to really want to get rid of this thing. You're obviously unhappy with your way of life right now, but you might not realize how much you feel you need it - how much you're dependent on it. That's very likely the obstacle to your recovery. (It was in mine, at least.) Trying to get better feels very risky. But when you reach a point that feels so miserable, it might be a good thing, because it enables you to take that risk. Am I making any sense to you? Different people have different wake-up calls, and this might be yours. You didn't mention if you're seeing anyone right now (therapist, nutritionist), but if you aren't, now might be a good time to start. (Again?) Omigosh, I can't even stress enought how different life is without an ED. It's scarier, but it's LIFE. Which is good.

One more thing: If you're scared to get better (consciously or subconsciously), just tell yourself that if eating like a normal person becomes too much for you, you can always go back to your old way. Your ED is always waiting for you to come back - it ain't going anywhere. (Depending on the stage in your life, this may be a horrible thought or a comforting one, but it's true. ) So this way, you have nothing to lose.

smile4me Posted - 26 August 2008 15:29
acara, an ed isnt as simple as that at atll. it goes way deeper than just trying to eat a few bites. i know u just want to help but what u say can be hard to hear for someone with an ed. because then ppl will start copmparng what they ate to what u ate and then feel disgusting if its more...etc.
WhipCream Posted - 26 August 2008 15:29
First of all, thanks all of you for answering my post...much appreciated. So now to answer all of you personally.....

Metuka- I have tried. It didn't help, because well, I knew exactly what I would be told..and I wasn't ready to change. I didn't want it. The reason I won't go now is mainly because I feel that no matter what a therapist/psychologist/nutritionist will tell me...I already know. I think it's something I have to find within myself.

AliveAgain- You seem like you've really recovered. When I say recovered, I mean you've grown from your "experience", and can only say that you are better because of it. I know exactly what you mean when you say you've grown to have a sensitivity towards others. I find it hard to be judgmental of anyone in my state right now. Where I am now, I know well that it's a bad place. It's like I'm an elevator that's stuck between two floors. (yes, please laugh at the beyond corny metaphor.) I'm at a standstill: There's me looking down at my worst possible time, and then at my best. I know that I don't want to be at my worst again, yet, I can't quite see that going up would be best for me. I was randomly googling eating disorders today, and came up with an article on anorexia. The girl in the article was telling her traumatic story of her journey to becoming a survivor of an ed. She said, she remembers the day when six grapes was considered a binge. One thing is for certain, I never want to be there. (I did seminary this past year....)

Smile4me- I desperately want to change, I'm just terrified.

Josh1- Thanks for your input. I have amazing friends thank GD. They help. A lot.

Acara- Sweetie....your looking towards a very dark path. Before you go down that road, try talking to your mom about how you feel about your body image. Maybe you can join a gym, or look towards just eating right. Binging on anything, is never a good thing. Thank you though for your advice, I appreciate it.

1&Only- Thanks a TON for your reply. I mean it. I understand you completely, and you understand me completely. Truth? I'm terrified of getting better. I'm loud by nature & always thrived on hiding my ed, besides for close friends..but, it was my vice. My safe haven. Going outside of that box...it feels scary. Staying exactly the same feels safer some how. I'm afraid that being better will make me fat. I'm afraid that being better will feel worse. But mostly I'm afraid of disappointing myself, by not being able to do it. My ed has become part of my life, and without it...I wouldn't have anything to fall back on.

Thanks again for all your replies...keep them coming..

1&only Posted - 01 September 2008 17:27
Acara, don't do this to yourself. Really. Stop while you're ahead. If you're serious about wanting to change your appearance and your eating habits, do it right. Please find a nutritionist.

Whipcream, I'm so glad you heard me. Here's a quote for you that you've probably heard a hundred times, but I think it's quite good, so here goes again:
"Ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are for."
You say that without your ED, you'd have nothing to fall back on. Well, what WOULD you do if you had nothing to fall back on? You wouldn't keep falling - you'd pick yourself up. That is, you'd be forced to deal with whatever it is you really need to face. That's yet another reason why your ED is such a horrible thing - it's preventing you from facing your real enemies and battling your fears. You need to be able to feel valuable as a person without your ED. Living without it enables you to find what is really good about you as a person. And though you might be terrified that there isn't anything there, although I don't know you, I assure you that's wrong, because the very fact that G-d put you on this earth means that you are valuable, and I don't believe He intended your worth to be dependent on how much you do or don't eat. You need to see and really feel that you are an OK (if not incredible) person no matter what you weigh. And you already know that you can do all that stuff you do with food. Yay. Tuck that away in your back pocket and move forward. This might be the scariest thing you've ever done, but you are SO WORTH IT - don't you think?

Try this experiment for all your supporters here on frumteens. ;)

P.S. About therapists/nutritionists, it's not going to be they who "recover" you - only you can do that. So you don't need to wait for the magic one to restore you to your healthy self. But you really do need to have a treatment person/team that's somewhat decent. Can you do that?

smile4me Posted - 04 September 2008 17:58
1&only-i loved love love ur last post. it wasnt meant for me but it was still really inspirational. thanks!
tourogal Posted - 09 September 2008 20:55
I guess I should welcome myself into the eating disorder club. I used to be on FT on a different user, but now I guess I'll hide my identity. Guess what, I too, like the many countless ed victims have developed one. You can read all you want about it and somehow never fully understand it until you live through it. OMG! I never imagined how it can REALLY overtake your life!
I actually went to camp this summer, and somehow wound up with another ed case in my room who was worse than I was (if that's possible) so it kind of made me feel that I wasn't so bad, (she ate less than I did and purged) which led me to regress! And then I was sent home, where I discovered i lost eight pounds in three weeks (adn that was after I had eaten TONS over the last five days out of fright since I knew I was coming home)and had to go for a lot of "fun" stuff. I didn't get my period in nearly four months and I'm a real mess. I just wish I would have never developed the dreaded nightmare! I know some of you can relate here on this site so I'm wondering if you can provide some chizuk right now since I could really use it, HELP!
1&only Posted - 09 September 2008 20:55
Thanks, smile. Btw, YOU are inspirational. ;)
smile4me Posted - 12 September 2008 0:38
1&only, thanks....i want to say no im not bla bla but i'll just accept it...;) so thanks.
1&only Posted - 21 September 2008 21:36
Tourogal, think about the fact that just like people fall into an ED, they can fall back out again. So it doesn't mean it's here to stay forever. But you do fall in for a reason, so it's logical to say that you won't get out of it unless you deal with that reason. Read around here a bit for more on that. But remember that having an ED (or having had one) does not need to define you as a person. People get better - some partially, but some completely. People get their periods back after having none for YEARS! So although it prob feels kinda grim right now (I feel for you, really I do!), don't feel like you'll be stuck forever. Life is an amazing thing, full of twists and turns you'd never expect. You might just be on a very unpleasant detour on your way to a place better than you could imagine.
smile4me Posted - 22 September 2008 0:22
tourogal, im sorry to hear ur struggling...
what can we do for u? what kind of chizuk?

btw it helps to think of ur ed as something ur struggling with, not something ur a victim of. because if ur a victim, its what ur ed is doing to YOU and u dont need any responsibility. but thats just a side pt.

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