Anything about JUDAISM
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G-disawesome Posted - 15 June 2008 18:17
I live in a modern-orthodox community and go to a school like that too. Most of my cousins are more right wing and more yeshivesh then my family. For some reason I like there lifestyle better then mine and I started to try to copy them by dressing like them(Nice white shirts and black pants), but whenever I do for some reason my parents get mad at me. Is there are a problem with me wearing nice clothes? If I could, I would even rather go to a yeshiva like ner yisroel or something. For some reason it makes my parents very upset? I don't even know how to approach them and tell them how I feel.
Answers are very much appretiated.
ner daluk Posted - 17 June 2008 4:48
You have to understand from their point of view that they raised you in a certain way and it's hard for them to see you wanting something else. In a way they feel as if you're rejecting everything they gave you as if it wasn't good enough. Changing your dress to them is a sign of the beg. of many changes many people don't like change.

With that in mind, you have to follow the path in life that you think is correct. There is a lot more to the yeshivish world than just the black/white uniform. Do some research speak to people find out what it's all about. And then if you honestly think that you would be happier in a different school and environment then maybe you can think of a relitive or someone you trust who can talk it out with you. And discuss it with your parents.

Kol zman shehaner dolek efshar od l'taken!

Matisyohu28 Posted - 25 June 2008 17:35
You should tell them, respectively, that this is your decision, and that it is certainly not a negative or harmful one - on the contrary, you look respectable and distunguised, like a ben torah - and more importantly, I've seen MO people like the term 'comfortable', so say that you feel comfortable dressing this way

Mussar teaches you how to live. But learning bava kama is living! - Rav Avigdor Miller ZT'L

soulrebel Posted - 25 June 2008 17:35
i guess parents in general like their kids to be on their page. believe me, mine would totally be lke that if i changed in a way they didnt like either.
why dont u ask them y they dislike the idea of u being more rightwing?
trying2shteig Posted - 25 June 2008 17:35
can't say for sure, but if ur parents are truly MO then they probably are afraid that you'll go super charedi on them- you won't want to work, you'll be anti zionist, all you'll day is learn Torah all day long... a white shirt and black pants represent much more than just "looking nice"
taon Posted - 25 June 2008 17:35
Show that you mean no disprespect to them, that you just want to be more. make sure they dont feel prssurred by what you're doing and show how this is making you a better person.


questions? go here:

taon Posted - 25 June 2008 17:35
also, understand what youre doing. so you know and can stay firm. hatzlacha rabah!


questions? go here:

trying2shteig Posted - 26 June 2008 17:43
good point taon. a common comiplain of MO people is that "charedim" (referring to their kids who try to actually keep halacha) have no clue what they're talking about. so u have to know your stuff or else they wont' take u seriously and will be like you don't even know what you're saying. this is a hueg point as they pretty much disrespect u and look down on you because of this...
Bas Melech 225 Posted - 30 June 2008 18:15
Ppl, unless they're extremely mature, will usually resent it when s/o they r responsible for (liek their children) goes "off the deep end" ie frummer than them. i also have the same prob. my parents r ba'alei teshuvah but they rly like sec. culture and we live in a v. modern place. i also became frummer and they feel v. threatened by it. i think a lot of ppl realize that Torah is truth and anything except torah is nothingness and worse, but they have a hard time separating themselves from the secular culture they love. I know some ppl who are amazing MO ppl who manage to pull off the whole torah u'ma'adah thing but they r a select few and in general i dun think that Modern Orthodoxy is s/t for the masses.
anyhow, ur parents might think that oh, we're not halachic/good enough for u. they might think ur trying to force a more yeshivish hashkafa on them. they might think u r rebelling from their way of life. they might think ur trying to become s/t ur not, trying to fit in w/ that culture. if u show them that ur not trying to do any of that stuff, and that u r not trying to cause any divisiveness or anything, and that ur not trying to overhaul their way of life (and u shudn't--as long as they're following halacha, MO is pretty legit., it's not like they're not frum), then u shud b fine.
it sounds to me liek wat ur doing now is pretty superficial,just scratching the surface. i know how much it feels gr8 wen u can b accepted into a culture by looking that way. just make sure that this is l'shem shomayim and for torah, not that u r trying to create shalom bayis probs. and if dressing nicer is the first step to u becoming closer to torah and mitzvos in a purer culture, then kol hakavod (and it's totally possible. wen ppl look a certain way they also tend to act a certain way).
it also might b helpful to talk to a rebbi or s/o u trust abt this b/c now it seems like u r just beginning to become frummer but if u start talking to them abt going to a more yeshivish yeshiva u might get a lot of negative feedback to it's good to have s/o with an objective perspective to help u (and he could be a yeshivish rabbi also, this is ur life).

"V'Ani Kirvas Elokim Li Tov"

FlippedOutFish Posted - 30 June 2008 18:15
A great idea for u which has really helped me too and a lot of other people assuming you want a frummer lifestyle.Then work on things in ur avodat hashem that will give benefit to youre parents FIRST then work other things later.For instance increase youre Kibud av vieeim to the best degree by learning the halachot and putting them into practice. Work on not being angry or coming to ka'as to them or to anyone else try not to overreact and fix youre middos tovos like try to be more kind and gentle during youre transition stage.By doing this your'e parents will recognize that this way of life is really emet and they will enjoy what you are doing for them or how u have changed. Try to do something for them out of the ordinary and have a diffrent take on gemmilut chasadim and kibud av vieim like buy them a card or dinner or prepare them a letter etc..And they will be suprised and they will even ask you why are you doing this and you may say keep on saying because this is the way of life a yid is suppose to live.
Also try not to be Poreish min Hatzibur dont do something ur parents wont want that they will think is abnoxious like dont seclude youreself from people or the public eye.Be overkind and sweet to others especially to the friends of youre parents in front of youre parents or even not in front of them.

Try to maybe learn something with youre parents like kindly ask youre father if he wants to learn with you whatever it is Gemara, and mussar like messilat yesharim or Maalot Hatorah which will also show youre father the value sof life and the values of Torah or anything.Try to learn with youre motther something like messilat yesharim OR Chofetz chaim/smirat halashon the words of kedusha you will share will go into her heart and recognize what u are doing as something good and it will also prevent her from saying lashon hara and it will be an activity you will do with youre parents that will serve as an excuse to the claim that you never spend time with them because " you only concentrate on urself or stop learning all day and spend time with us." By having this limud it will be an activity where a) you will gain individually because one should learn these things and especially hilchot lashon hara b)will prevent you and the parent from speaking bad or doing bad actions c)both will gain the mitzvah of limud hatorah d) It will serve as time you are "spending" with ur parents yet u are in essence learning torah! Its a win win situation.
In short you should try to do things and mitzvos that are inclusive to them to and try to do things that they would enjoy at the same time you would gain spiritually.When u are faced with the claim against you " stop learning all day and i had enough with this religion of yourse already!" Try to remind youre parents of all the good things you have been doing recently and they will realize it is much better for you to be this way. And here is an important rule "dont be EXTREME ON THEM. "Dont say anything extreme dont show them anything extreme just dont get involved not until they are ready to accept.
And just be smart about what you do think things through before you do them try to do everything ur parenst ask in the most halchic way and if you have to violate halacha dont do it but dont push it in their face that you are not doing it because its against the Torah its even against halacha to say bshita to them im not doing this is against daas torah. Try not to let them know that you are not doing it or find some second route you can take.
This has all worked for me i hope it will work for you and anyone else trusty me take my advice for it- My parents now do look at me in a different light even though they dislike some of the things i do they rather have me this way than what i was before and i tell them that to remind them.
O and this idea Rav Zalman Mendel Shlita told me that you know casually mention sometimes to yore parents "you know what they say Money doesn't grow on trees." and stuff like that this will reaffirm them in their minds that you are not "crazy charedi" who wants to live in kollel for the rest of youre life even though you know that is emet and you lets say really want to do that.But just say things like that it would physcologically help them in accepting who you are.And as time goes on they will see what is the truth in the end anyway.
I hope you have muzh bracha and hatzlacha and just daven.

JewishAndProud! Posted - 01 March 2009 21:17
Just because you dress Yeshivish-doesn't mean that you are Yeshivish. And being Yeshivish doesn't make you a better Jew. I hope you understand that!
You don't have to be Yeshivish!

The user name says it all...

look-upward Posted - 03 March 2009 9:25
Maybe not, but it helps. If you have the right intentions of course.

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