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|abuser||Posted - 18 February 2008 20:09
I need to write to you and tell you what is going on inside my head. You tell me Iím a closed book and that I need to express my feelings in the form of words inside of letting my emotions clump inside me. So I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you why I dress this way, why I talk this way, why I act this way and mostly, why I am causing you so much pain. Itís a long story and you donít want to think that it is. You think I am a regular teenager who is just undergoing crises within myself, trying to find who I am and what I want to do and be. But youíre wrong Mommy. Thatís not it. Itís due to the constant internal battle that I am fighting which has been inflicted upon me by my surroundings. I will explain.
Malka is a sister I love so much. I know I donít show this when I continually taunt her and belittle her and when I make her cry until her frail body shakes. But I love her. Itís not easy having a mentally disabled sister with so many physical handicaps. I know she is your baby. Just like me. But I am four years younger than Malka and I want to look up to her and emulate her ways. I want to share clothes with her and laugh with her. Go out with her and be proud of my big sister. But instead, I help her get dressed in the mornings, cut up her food, hold her shaking hands as we walk down the road. I donít mind these things; itís a test I have been given. Its when the neighbours laugh as Malka gets so excited when we get mail and when my friends try to conceal their smirks when Malkaís constant shaking causes her to drop the things she holds. Why are people laughing at my big sister? Why are they not understanding that she cant help the way she is, that she is a person like everyone else? She wants to be accepted into society, become a unique individual who is respected. I love her so much and it hurts me when she is mocked because of her detrimental physical condition. So yes Mommy, I am angry at Malka. For being like she is. For allowing herself to be the target of every person we know. And Mommy, I am angry with you. I know there is no valid reason and it is completely irrational but I am young and its you who seems to be the most obvious cause for this pain. The pain of Malka and the pain of the shame she brings upon me. Iím so sorry for being like this and for hurting my sister, but it is out of love and care for her that my anger is subjected to her.
You tell me I am pretty and people envy my big, smiling eyes and my red, rosy cheeks. So why when I look in the mirror do I see cold, sad eyes and a pale gaunt face? Maybe its because I am seeing past my physical self and inside at my broken heart. I donít see myself as being pretty. I donít think I ever will and that is why I try to look different. Itís why I wear so much makeup and wear stylish clothes which you class as immodest. I am trying to find the pretty girl you claim to see. It makes me feel good when I think I look attractive even though you tell me I look terrible and fake. Cant you see that I donít like how I look and donít think I ever will and thatís why I am covering it up? I am so much happier when I wear my own clothes and makeup which I have branded as mine and which give me the feeling of looking good. The truth is that I donít feel comfortable when we pass by holy women and people that yes, I aspire to be like. I know I am overdressed for my age, but I cant focus on peoples impressions right now, I have to help myself before I fall deeper into this endless pit. It doesnít help me when you shout at me for ruining my reputation because in all honesty, I am only trying to get past each day and donít have the emotional capacity to think about my future. I know I have to, but at present, I cant do it.
Iím sorry mommy that I make you so sad and always add on to your constant pain. But Iím in pain too. And Iím just a kid. Please mommy..let me be
|acara||Posted - 20 February 2008 17:24
did you give this note to your mom. that was really sad. im sorry you are going through this. i understand what it is like because my grandfather had a stroke when i was four and my grandmother took care of him herself without help for eight years until he passed away. i had to push him around and i would take him on walks. people would stare at us because he would try to drink something and then spill it all over himself because he was weak. he would talk and to others it sounded like a baby but i understood. once, i brought my friend over to his apartment and he thought we were burglars and he called us names and shouted until i could calm him down. i never saw my friend again, and she never called. i cried. i covered up my sadness with rudeness. i understand. don't be sad. its ok. i know it hurts but physical disabilities don't matter. your sister loves you im sure and so does your mother. you would be surprised how much your parents understand why you do things. is there anything else we can help you with?
|learning2live||Posted - 20 February 2008 17:24
ouch ouch ouch
this is a really, really powerful letter
i'm sending a big, warm hug your way, ok?
i am so sorry that you're in so much pain... if you ever need to vent, we're here to listen.
i know this won't be much comfort - but i do think it's amazing that you're so in touch with yourself and your feelings. most people wouldn't be.
is there anyone who you can talk to?
by the way - welcome to the site; please stick around! and keep me posted on how you're doing, ok?
|abuser||Posted - 21 February 2008 0:59
learning2live-Im not new on the site, been an active member for a few years now and you know me under a different sn because some people know me and this is very personal to me..
acara- im sorry about your grandfather..it is so hard. I had to change the real facts a bit because I dont want to be recognised but my sister isn't so physically handicapped but rather emotionally. She just says strange things and has a constant shake and looks a bit strange. But shes my older sister and I want to love her and be proud of her. But I cant. I didn't give this to my mom because she wouldn't understand and I dont have the guts. I never will. I do wish I could...
|keepitup||Posted - 21 February 2008 22:52
abuser, how about if you revise the letter until you feel comfortable enough for your mohter to see it, and then leave it in a place where she'll find it. You can write at the bottom how you would like her to respond to your letter, i.e. talk to you about it, write a letter back, or just say nothing, or anything else that would make you comfortable.
|abuser||Posted - 28 February 2008 18:31
Just felt like this letter had to go somewhere so posted it here
My mom doesn't have the emotional capacity to handle me. Everything else is too much for her already
|keepitup||Posted - 29 February 2008 2:35
Is there another adult in your life who you could show it to?
|oksana123||Posted - 02 March 2008 18:06
i am really sorry for your sister but i want you to know that u are a great sister.
|acara||Posted - 03 March 2008 14:08
listen. i know it is hard to have a different sister. take her for what she is. i don't even have one. try to help her. she may get better with time. ignore your friends they will respect you. i didn't have guts to tell my mother something else(people no me here so im embarrased to say wat) and when i did she was really good about it and i felt better and was surprised. please. please. will you give her a letter. i really think its important.
|oneluckyduck||Posted - 12 August 2008 22:19
abuser, i look up to u! i think you should show your mom that note, and if not your mom then someone who you trust. its only for the better!
|WeAllHaveAGift||Posted - 24 August 2010 0:26
I have a brother who is special needs and when I was younger, I didn't understand that he was different so I was mean to him. Now that i'm older, I know that he has to be treated differently that other people. Once I had a friend over my house and my brother was talking to me and my friend called him weird and now, she isn't so much of a friend for me anymore. But I have another friend who couldn't wait to meet him for the first time and enjoys talking to him, and she is one of my closest friends now. So maybe I should thank him for helping me realize who my true friends are. :)
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