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|tainted1519||Posted - 23 March 2007 18:33
i did soemthing that was soo wrong and so disgusting.. i was going thru a hard time and not doing well in school and had relationship issues with my parents and just very angry and stressed and as well i have always been impulsive and never thinking before i do something, and i did something twice which is so disgusting and so wrong even non jews would find it sick and i cant forgive myself and i no Hashem cant forgive me and if pple found out what i did noone would ever speak to me agen (execept to each other ABout me) and i feel like such a bad person but i know ima good person ive just made ohrrible mistakes, and im trying to move on with my life and change for the better but its just too hard and i dont know what to do.. can Hashem forgive even the worst of sins? how cani forgive myself? how can i get back to my normal happy witty frum feel good self when all i feel these days is guilt, shame, embarrasment, and disgust of myself? do i even deserve to stay frum and go to a frum school and be with nice frum people who would never even think about doing what i did?
|Answers||Posted - 25 March 2007 5:14
Hey. I just read your post, and then I wen t to a shuir which I feal really touches your situation. He talked about the idea of "Sheva yipol tsadik vkam" He said that the a nizayon is not wether you fail or pass but what you do after wards. It is important to pick yourself up and go on. Hashem do es forgive you it is important not to go into a feeling of behalah but to keep going in life noot everyone passes all their tests, but that is okay. Just keep working on your self. I am not sure if this post will make sense but I hope it helps you and please don't give up on your self we are here for you!!
|musicaholic||Posted - 25 March 2007 18:03
let me tell you something.you ARE an amazing person. you are not bad. in fact, despite what you may have done, you seem like a very special person. the fact that you feel horribly over what you did is the first and most important step of teshuva. there are many stories of people who did lots of sins over their lives but with sincere teshuva, H-shem forgave EVERYTHING. if you sincerely regret what you have become and really want to start fresh, then H-shem will do everything He can to help you along. and in the growth process, its always a good idea to go back up, slowly one baby step at a time, otherwise it may be too overwhelming and not as real. remember-2 steps forward and one step backward=progress.
|froogoo||Posted - 29 March 2007 17:55
of course you should still be with frum people!! however bad it was what you did you are still the same person who you were before. yes you may have made a mistake but everybody makes mistakes! you just need to learn from it and then move on. ask for forgiveness and you will be forgiven whether you think you will or not!! and then focus on your life ahead of you! no point in lookin back because no regret you will ever feel will change the past! good luck!
|Tortured_Soul||Posted - 29 March 2007 18:19
I am copying my reply from the 'Dangers of The Internet' section.
tainted, it is your yetzer hora that is telling you all that; that is the source of such feelings. I know what its like as I have struggled with similar feelings.
In the birkas krias shema of maariv we say, "...and may You remove the Soton [yetzer hora] from in front of us and from behind us"
One explanation of this is:
"in front of us" refers to avoiding sins- we are asking H-ashem to help us overcome temptation and avoid sinning.
“Behind us” is referring to when we have already committed a sin or fallen in some way. We are asking H-ashem to help save us from the strategy of the yetzer hora to prevent teshuva and going picking-up and going further by giving us feelings of depression, unworthiness, hopelessness and despair.
|tainted1519||Posted - 01 April 2007 8:20
thanks so much for the replies. i am trying to put it behind me and change for the better as a person. i definitly know i would never EVER do such a thing ever again but i do not know if i have grown, that is something i need to aspire to... but first i need to put my sin behind me and move on, which is soemthing im having great difficulty doing because im always feelig guilty and when i walk the halls of my Bais Yaakov school and hang out with my frum friends and my frum family i feel like i am being a faker and do not deserve to be happy..and i know i would be absolutely alone if anyone knew what i did, id be shunned..and that thought keeps my nerves hopping all the time.. i just cant learn to forgive myself and feel comfortable in my own skin anymore,, but i want to, because its either that or i spend the next period of my life moping and i dont think Hashem wants that of me... its just i need to work on my relationship with Hashem and grow and change and feel like a Bas Yisrael once again which i dont after commiting such an act of disgust and moral degration...then im sure i can feel good about myself again and comfortable to be around people i love but i just dont know how
|Tortured_Soul||Posted - 01 April 2007 10:26
There is nothing you could have done– no matter how terrible– that would cause HKB”H to no longer love you, c’v.
Either the Baal Shem Tov HaKodosh or one of his talmidim said that the love HKB”H has for even the worse Jew is greater than that of a couple for their only child.
In your first post, you asked “can Hashem forgive even the worst of sins?”. The answer is, yes– with teshuva a person can be forgiven for even the worst aveiros.
You obviously have already fulfilled two of the three essential steps of teshuva: Feeling remorse and resolving not to repeat the sin. The other one is viduy– confessing the sin to H-shem, which you may very well have also already done.
The other thing is that whatever it is that you did– no matter how terrible or depraved you may think it is– you certainly were not the only or the first one to do it. If it had anything to do with the internet (as it would seem since you posted to the ‘Dangers of the Internet’ section), then no matter what it was, you certainly have a lot of company; tragically, the nature of the internet is such that even many of the best people, from the best families and schools have succumbed to its lures in one way or another.
I am copying my list of threads on internet struggles. Remember that for every one post describing such a situation, there are many, more people out there with similar situations.
Threads on Internet Struggles
Skirt Lengths, and Platonic Relationships
I’m in love
Answer me, please
Misc.: ‘Dangers of the Internet’
dont trust yourself when it comes to the internet%
|tainted1519||Posted - 02 April 2007 6:23
its so hard tho, moving on...i see these girls in BY schools who are shunned and looked severely down upon for hanging w. guys and for other acts and i think how much more so i'd be looked down on for what i did-while it was not physical it was the lowest form of Tzniut one could sink to and was very morally degrading, even for many goyim, and no matter how happy and normal i try to remain i know i have lost my childhood forever and my actions are always creeping up in the back of my mind, i cannot run, i can't hide-they are always there to remind me of the person i am and prevent me from inner peace(sometimes outer peace too, i get obviously disturbed sometimes but i usually mask it) and i just want to move on knowing im a good person who deserves to be afrum yid and be around family and friends..another issue is, i dont know if i should keep my actions inside or tell people.. i dont want to fake it and pretend to be sucha good kid when rlly i have done horrible things, but telling others can ruin my life.. i need to speak to someone about it but dont know who, i know very few who would understand and be accepting of the situation, especially since so many sweep things under the rug these days and i would never be looked at the same way..lastly, after what i have done, the pressure to be a great jew has been very great..i feel horrible for wearing no socks(which i never would have felt before i did what i did) and i feel the need to be near perfect in order to do Teshuva- is that correct? do i have to make up for my actions now by being more careful(whiich is VERY hard) or can i continue my life how it was before, on the same levels, and grow with time and experience, when im ready and know i have fully moved on?
|grafix||Posted - 02 April 2007 6:30
tainted - as answer to your question, i would say a mixture of the two. take somethng on right now, and agree to a set schedule whereby you'd take something small upon yourself. set goals. once you do that, you'll feel more accomplished, and with your focus facing forward, you won't focus so much upon what was done in the past.
also, there is a frum hotline to call anonymously for teen and other issues. If you'd like, I can try to find out the number. THis way, you'll be able to speak openly without fearing that you'll be shunned or degraded.
|Tortured_Soul||Posted - 02 April 2007 14:19
Tainted: I know the feelings you describe all too well.
I’ve had terrible struggles with very dark parts of the internet myself and for some time after each downfall I’ve felt just the way you do. Facing ehrliche, respectable and chosheve people with all those depraved images stuck in my mind feels just horrible.
It sounds like you really do need to find someone to talk to: "Daagah b'lev ish, yisichenu l'acheirim". Obviously, it must be someone you can trust to guard your confidentiality and someone who will be understanding.
The most essential thing for you at this point is probably to occupy your mind as much as possible with other things.
You want find things that you can really get into: things to read, shiurim or music to listen to (maybe have a look at the music section for some ideas, where you will find a post I just made), hobbies, doing some kind of chesed, etc. The important thing is to be able to enjoy yourself in a kosher way and take your mind of this issue.
Now that Spring is here, consider taking an interest in nature– things like the returning snow birds and the blossoming flowers.
Listen to the beautiful bird song that is at its peak from sometime in Spring until sometime in Summer.
Observe the spectacular show of colors, light and contrasts that is the sky at different times of the day. From the first light of dawn, the shades of pink and the golden rays of light, to the brilliant midday sun against the stunning blue sky to all of the different shades of orange, yellow, pink, purple and blue as the day transitions into night and the moon and stars arrive for their shift.
“...umishmomorseishem barokia birtsono...”
Notice how the yellow sunlight illuminates the rich, deep green of the leaves and reflects upon them.
(Although less than in rural areas because of the light pollution, one can nonetheless many times still see stars in urban areas.)
You can familiarize yourself a little with some of the different types of birds, trees and other flora and fauna and then try to identify some of them. What about putting a bird-feeder somewhere outside your house?
You might also consider trying to photograph, paint or draw some of these things and any one of those can certainly be quite an endeavor in and of itself.
Utilizing one’s creative energies in a constructive, positive way can be highly beneficial.
Another possible hobby is gardening– whether flowers or vegetables. You can even grow things in pots and containers indoors. You might want to also consider sprouting. It can be a way to get some of the nutritional benefits from vegetables that are muchzok b’toloim [highly infested with insects] such as broccoli florets.
Of course, you should try to think of and appreciate the chochomos v’nifloaos haborei [the wisdom and wonders of the C-reator] through all of this.
Come to think of it now, learning and practicing halachos and methods of checking different vegetables and fruits could be a hobby itself as could all kind of various culinary arts– from food selection to preparation to cooking and baking. If you focus on healthful ingredients and ways of preparation, it could also be part of the mitzvoh of taking care of your health. “..V’nishmortem m’od b’nafshoseichem”
One who can appreciate and enjoy these type of things is most blessed.
|tainted1519||Posted - 02 April 2007 20:32
wow, thanks for the advice.. i have tried to keep my mind off of it and after pesach A"H i hope to take on a chessed job or something along those lines...would it be possible to find the number of that hotline? i dotn think id call it, but maybe i could muster up the strength to call...its not just images that i have to get out of my head, those led to worse things, and its a complicated situation- i have alot of dignity and confidence to gain back after my actions and A"H it will help me grow as a yid and feel comfortable once again living as i always have.. sometimes i just feel like "should i just give up yiddishkeit? ive done so bad noone will accept me back if they knew, im such a bad person i deserve to be living immoraly with the goyim" now dont worry, because i always push that thought out of my mind and i doubt im in such a danger that i'll act on it, but trust me, its not just bad images that im crying about, its FAR worse and will take alot of time to get over, but with Hashem's help i can do this, i can fight this struggle.. just sometimes i get so weak, so anxious, i wish i could just turn back time...
|grafix||Posted - 02 April 2007 21:26
will try, though it may be only after yom tov.
have a good one!
|cheers!||Posted - 18 April 2007 23:02
i know this is not exactly what you're discussing, but i was wondering--why is it that it's so hard, no almost impossible, to change yourself, even when you know it's right? it seems like my yetzer horah is so much bigger than my yetzer tov. every time i do something i shouldn't it's so crazy hard to stop.(ie:internet stuff, movies, eating too much) it's also so hard to start doing things you should be doing and don't (ie: once i got out of davening regularly, it's so hard to get back into it...)
basically, in either direction, even if try, i keep on failing. what should i do?
|grafix||Posted - 18 April 2007 23:51
cheers - take on little stuff. even if you used to be doing so much more, maybe right now you're not. taking on things little by little makes it easier and more likely to stick.
and applaud yourself when you do something right.
|grafix||Posted - 18 April 2007 23:51
Ohel/Bais Ezra Teens in Crisis Hotline (NYC) call Mon - Thursday 9am-5pm,
|cheers!||Posted - 19 April 2007 11:24
are you kidding?! you think i never tried that before. every thing i mentioned in my earlier posts are things i've taken on here and there in small amounts. it's just that every time i mess up and then i just get annoyed with myself and am even worse. like if i see something i shouldn't, instead of being good the next time, it's like "oh, you already messed up then, so what's one more time?" it's impossible! every time i think i'm gonna "be good from now on", even about a small thing, i mess up and end off worse.
so, that's where we're at.
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